The Addict & the Sage
by Alan Cohen
 I heard about a psychologist who was assigned to work with a young man with a
long history of drug addiction. Jack showed up in Dr. Estelle Parsons' office
with a thick dossier of troubles and dire diagnoses. As Dr. Parsons began to
interview Jack, he launched into many stories and justifications for his
addictive behavior. But she did not go there with him. "Tell me about what
you did this week that was not addictive," she summoned him.
At first, Jack
could not think of much of his week unrelated to his addiction. Then gradually,
over months of therapy, Dr. Parsons was able to elicit more and more information
about the healthy Jack. At some point the focus of the sessions shifted from
Jack's ineptitude to aspects of his life that he had mastered. Jack began to
identify with his strength and take pride in it. Eventually he dropped his
addiction entirely. Dr. Parsons was the first therapist who was able to
accomplish this extraordinary transformation with this patient.
We might apply this powerful technique to our relationships. Many of us have
become so steeped in what is wrong with ourselves in relationship that
dysfunction becomes our accepted norm. We are so expert in why we can't
commit; or keep attracting abusive partners; or how our parents' poor role
model squashed our self-esteem; or why we can't forgive ourselves or our
partner; or; or; or . . . that we talk ourselves out of the possibility of real
love. As Dr. Phil might ask, "And just how has that been working for
you?"
If your relationship is not working, I invite you to adopt a radical
attitude, perhaps one you have not tried: You were born to enjoy a rewarding
relationship and you can have one now. And your role in creating it? Quit
complaining about what you don't want and start celebrating what you do want
-- and may already have. The secret of relationship is the same as living in
California: Don't dwell on the faults.
There is a new field of corporate consulting that is catching on in a
powerful way. It is called Appreciative Inquiry. In this modality,
consultants do not ask their clients what is not working and then try to find
ways to fix it; instead, they invite their clients to talk about what is working
and why. Appreciative Inquiry practitioners have found that once people get back
on touch with the original vision they set out to achieve in their business and
find evidence for its reality, they are able to solve problems from an entirely
more empowering perspective.
Albert Einstein noted that you can never solve a
problem from the same level the problem exits; you must step higher so you can
see the whole picture more clearly. A Course in Miracles puts it this
way: "You cannot be your own guide to miracles, for it is you who made them
necessary in the first place."
Before you attempt to handle a personal or relationship challenge, step onto
higher ground. Get in touch with yourself, your spirit, your higher power.
Before you try to correct, connect. Remember who you are in your strength, not
your fear or separateness. Recall what you love and appreciate about your
partner, and why you are with them. Claim full responsibility for igniting
yourself, and let them off the hook as the source of your joy or sorrow. Bring a
whole person to your partner, and that is who you will call forth in them.
I did a radio interview with Dr. George Love, a holistic health practitioner.
During the interview, I asked the doctor, "Is Love your real name?"
"Yes, it has been my family name for generations," he answered.
"In fact, when I was a child, other kids would ask me that. When I told
them it was my real name, they would beat me up. Do you have any idea why that
happened?"
I thought for a moment and then answered, "I guess a lot of people are
just afraid of love." In a way I was joking, but I was actually being
serious. A lot of people are afraid of love -- so much so, that when we
come close to it, we find ways to run away from it. I find it insane that we
would turn our back on the thing we crave the most -- and the thing we are the
most. We are like the people Plato described, who live in dark cave for so long
that when they finally see some light their eyes hurt and they run back into the
darkness.
But the darkness is not our destiny. No matter how thick your dossier of what
has gone wrong, you can start a new dossier now. All it takes is one person who
is willing to see your higher possibilities. And if no one out there is doing
that, let that one person be you. Quit identifying with your difficulties,
finding justifications for them, and arguing them. Become a force for your own
potential. Shift your attention to what is going right and how great it could
be. Take the affirmation, "I am always doing better than I think I
am," for you are. Look your beloved in the eye and find the
person you fell in love with. They are in there, and so are you. Fall in love
with yourself and your life, and you will enjoy the Valentine's Day of a
lifetime.
Recommended book:
Don't Get Lucky, Get Smart: Why Your Love Life Sucks--and What You Can Do About It
by Alan Cohen.
Debunks the common myths we bring to dating and offers new insight into the realities of relationships.
For more info, or to order this book.
 About The Author
Alan
Cohen is the author of numerous popular inspirational books, including the
award-winning A
Deep Breath of Life. To request a free catalog of Alan's books,
tapes, and seminars, call 1-800-462-3013 or visit Alan's web site at www.alancohen.com.
For info on upcoming events, contact 455A Kukuna Road, Haiku, HI 96708,
(800) 568-3079, email:
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