If Your Smoker Tries
to Quit... and
Fails
by Jack
Gebhardt
Lord, how often should my brother
sin against me,
and I forgive him? Till seven times?
. . . I say not unto
thee, Until seven times:
but until seventy times seven.
-- Matthew 18: 21, 22
Try not to worry too much if your
smoker tries to quit and fails. If you can honestly enjoy your smoker's
predicament, laugh about it, and make light of it, your smoker is more likely to
do the same. He or she will get back on the horse that much more quickly. But if
you make it into something somber, become fearful, and begin to criticize or
complain, it will be that much harder for your smoker to quit, and therefore
that much longer before he or she tries quitting again.
A study by the University of
Ottawa found that most smokers try to quit five times before they finally
succeed. If your smoker doesn't quit this time, he or she will quit next time.
If not next time, then the time after that. Your smoker will
succeed.
While it is important for your
smoker to quit, your enjoyment of your own happiness throughout this whole
process is even more important. Remember the first Law of Happiness: Enjoying
your happiness is the most important thing for you, for your smoker, and for
everyone around you. The only real setback in the strategy outlined in this book
occurs when you or your smoker nosedive into thoughts you don't enjoy. As long
as you continue to uphold your own happiness, you set the stage for your
smoker's success.
Whether or not your smoker quits
(or even tries), your work remains the same -- maintain your
happiness.
TEMPORARY
FAILURES
Sometimes, when smokers are trying
to quit, they might have a cigarette or two almost accidentally, without even
thinking about it. Before they realize it, they are smoking again! At other
times, smokers might make a conscious, deliberate decision to start smoking
again, after they have thought about smoking (and nothing else) for hours or
days at a time.
If your smoker starts smoking
again, don't make a big deal about it. Give your smoker a few words of
encouragement -- this may be all he or she needs to get back on
track.
SMOKING "JUST
ONE"
Most smokers can describe having
had "just one" -- at a party or in a weak moment -- and it was all downhill
fromthere. Almost every
smoking-cessation program warns of this phenomenon: If you have "just one", you
will want another, then another, then another.
Is nicotine so addictive that
people can't control themselves after having "just one?" No. Nicotine itself is
a fairly mild, middle-class drug. The body can take it or leave it; there a is
little physiological dependence involved.
It is the pleasure that is
difficult to resist -- the joy of smoking the forbidden cigarette. The first
puff brings relief from the smoker's mental and emotional struggle, and thoughts
about quitting disappear. The moment is beautiful.
Then the smoker starts thinking
thoughts he or she doesn't enjoy. "I've blown it. I've failed. I'm weak. I'll
never quit. Smoking has a hold on me that I just can't break. My family will be
so disappointed in me."
Remember, people change their
habits when they feel good about themselves and want to feel even better. When
smokers think, "I've blown it, I've failed," they are not feeling good about
themselves. These thoughts lead to more thoughts they don't enjoy, which leads
to more smoking.
It's not "just one" that is
dangerous -- it's the thoughts that come after "just one".
If you continue to enjoy yourself,
however, if you can laugh and maintain an upbeat attitude -- regardless of what
your smoker is or isn't doing -- your pleasure will help get him or her back on
track.
Assure your smoker that "just one"
(or two, or three) isn't fatal. If you treat the relapse as a nonevent, your
smoker will, too. "You've enjoyed smoking for a long time," you might point out.
"Now you're working your way out if it. The most important thing is to keep
enjoying yourself. Your happiness will help you break this
habit."
Joy is the key. Your smoker
thought he or she would enjoy another cigarette or two, so trust in this joy and
let it be. If you can help your smoker laugh, feel good, and get back in touch
with what he or she enjoys, your smoker will learn to laugh and feel good about
not smoking.
SETTING ANOTHER QUIT
DATE?
Generally not. And especially not
after flubbing the first attempt.
If your smoker has fallen off the
wagon, now is the time to climb back on. Support the original quit date -- the
date was good, the attempt was real, and the work is still going on. Even if
your smoker has been chain-smoking for the past twenty-four hours, he or she is
still in the process of quitting. The game is still on.
The Scriptures say, if you have
"faith the size of a mustard seed", you can move mountains. The mountains of
self-doubt and self-recrimination may disappear with a touch of joy, the
slightest giggle, the tiniest grain of faith. It doesn't take much to get your
smoker back on track.
OUTRIGHT FAILURE
What do you do when your smoker
has failed completely? You can tell it's not a temporary relapse -- your smoker
is smoking full steam, refuses to think or talk about it, and doesn't want you
to mention it ever again. Your smoker attempted to quit, failed, and now it's
over. What do you do?
Enjoy your thoughts. Enjoy your
smoker. Enjoy your life.
Failure is embarrassing. That's
why your smoker doesn't want to think or talk about it. Your smoker is riding
the roller coaster. The less you react to his or her ups and downs, the better
off you both will be. Let your smoker
know that you love him or her, regardless of whether or not he or she
smokes.
Do the same thing you did before
your smoker tried to quit. Enjoy your thoughts and keep on keeping on -- you may
be surprised at how soon your smoker gives it another go.
Some smokers fail because, on a
subconscious level, they want to know what their loved ones will do. We all want
to be loved, not for what we do or don't do, but for who we are. Keep loving
your smoker, regardless of whether or not he or she succeeds. Isn't this what
you would want?
Besides, what else can you do? Go
to war? Make demands?
The only war worth fighting is the
war against unhappiness, and the only demand worth making is that your smoker
enjoy himself or herself, no matter what. If you follow this strategy, you may
be surprised at how soon your smoker tries to quit again. And this time, he or
she will succeed, because there's nothing left to prove.
This article is excerpted from:
"Help Your Smoker Quit" © by Jack Gebhardt.
Reprinted
with permission of the publisher, Fairview Press, www.FairviewPress.org
Info/Order this
book
About The
Author
Jack Gebhardt is the founder and head instructor of
the Smoker's Freedom School and the author of The Enlightened Smoker's Guide to Quitting as well as
co-author of Now Hiring!: Finding & Keeping Good Help for Your Entry-Wage
Jobs. He can be reached via email at
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
or at The Smoker's Freedom
School: 1-800-731-0389. Postal address is 606 Hanna St., Fort Collins, CO.
80521.
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