About Self-Doubt
by Katherine Gibson
"Beautiful young people are an accident of nature.
Beautiful old people are works of art."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
A svelte model, radiant in a single digit-size dress, smiled
seductively from a page of a glossy women's magazine. I scrutinized her
computer-enhanced complexion, jet-set tresses, and — I couldn't help but
notice — a butt the size of a walnut. I admitted that she looked great.
Bold type swirled about her, taunting me:
"Win the Makeover of Your Life!"
"Swing into Style with an Exciting New Wardrobe!"
"Shape up with Personalized Fitness Training!"
"Be the Woman You Always Wanted to Be!"
Gosh, I am the woman I want to be; at least I thought I was until I
contemplated that perfectly coiffed, smugly confident image. Perhaps I
could use a bit of pruning and shaping. Rock-hard abs and a set of
Britney's showstoppers would top up the old bod just fine. Maybe I
should "push 'em up and stick 'em out," get a nip and tuck, and strut,
strut, strut my stuff? And that contest? Hmmm, I just might give it
some thought.
With dimpling thighs and the beginning of a second chin, it's no
surprise that my confidence quotient is a bit shaky. It takes tough
self-talk and far too many sweaty hours at the gym to silence the inner
critics and keep the spirit (and a whole lot more) from sagging. But
hey, people at any age and size are keeping it together. For every
5'10" 110-pound mutant, there are legions of others slurping lattes
(with extra cream, thank you very much). They're meeting life head-on.
Right?
Well, sort of.
While we might convince ourselves that we wouldn't change places
with Britney, whispers of self-doubt wiggle into our souls, murmuring
subtle messages that we're about as sexy as a hive of hostile bees. And
self-doubt attacks more than the image we see in the mirror; it can
sabotage our willingness to step out from the shadows and take on life.
When our confidence is rattled we might resist moving to a new town,
upgrading our education, or standing up to a bullying boss. While
others may influence how we view ourselves, we're the ones who thrust
our doubts deep into our souls.
Self-doubters tend to dismiss compliments and embrace criticisms.
They focus — even highlight — their weaknesses, ensuring that others see
their shortcomings as clearly as they do. Eleanor Roosevelt's clever
one-liner "No one can make you feel inadequate without your permission"
says it all.
Like dust bunnies on cleaning day, self-doubt can creep from out of
nowhere to destroy our potential for rich and meaningful lives.
Self-doubt creates life-limiting feelings of envy of those who succeed,
sadness over our loss of fulfillment, and anxiety about tomorrow. It
can cause us to retreat from life and replace its mystery and
excitement with regrets and bitterness. We might hesitate to speak up
if we are unfairly attacked, shy away from social occasions that could
stimulate new friendships, or pass over promotion opportunities.
Feelings of self-doubt are epidemic. It's a top-to-bottom, classless
affliction. "Self-doubt is rampant in our culture, even among those who
appear most successful," said psychologist Dr. Mary Louise Reilly. "I
work with some top-notch professionals who appear to have it all
together, yet don't see themselves as successful. They often feel like
frauds, not worthy of what they've accomplished" She explains that we
can't see our successes or even hear the accolades we justly deserve
when disapproving internal voices shout them down.
Dr. Reilly spoke of a consultant who is a wizard at conjuring
brilliant proposals yet quakes at presenting them and a silver-tongued
salesperson who can sell bytes to Bill Gates yet shrinks at asking for
a raise. "Their prospects are limited by inner voices that say, 'I
can't do this,' instead of, 'This is a challenge I will conquer.''
When our minds are a flurry of nay-saying, self-doubt clutters our
spirit, making it easy to disconnect from others and miss the splendors
around us. That magical pause just before the sunsets and the welcoming
promise of new opportunities can be lost under negative rumblings. Dr.
Reilly said that we're often the architects of our own misery. "We have
to stop heaping abuse on ourselves. We get up in the morning, look in
the mirror, and start in. And this can go on all day."
Instead of focusing on our real or imagined defects, we need to
appreciate ourselves, double chins and all. That might mean taking baby
steps by paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal messages others
give us. Highlight the positive. A smile, an invitation for coffee, a
request for a recipe, or a call just to say hello confirm that we are
valued.
While self-doubt is a tenacious monster, it withers in the presence
of success. Janet is a paragon of confidence, but it didn't come easy.
"Ten years ago I started life over from scratch in a new city with two
kids I was raising by myself," she said. "The job market was tight, so
I decided to go back to university and upgrade. I was scared to death.
It had been ages since I had been a student. My mind reeled with
reasons why I'd fail. I was terrified of falling flat on my face."
Although Janet had dabbled in community center courses while raising
her children, this was a dive into the deep end. Research papers
required pesky footnotes. There were presentations to make in front of
students half her age, and the battle for marks with those agile, young
minds was keen. She also had to juggle part-time jobs and the
children's needs with class schedules and study time. But she hung
on — and finished. "I often felt defeated, like I'd never make it. But
getting that degree was like doing the Boston Marathon. I was
exhausted, but boy, did it feel good, not just because I had done it
but because I had overcome an enormous inner hurdle. I can do anything
now." Instead of letting self-doubt clutter her life, Janet has become
one empowered, go-get-'em gal.
Jim, a whiz-bang political advisor, was born with the confidence
Janet had earned, or so it seemed. Nothing could shake this young man.
At just twenty-five years of age, he could saunter into a boardroom of
strangers like it was a backyard barbeque. Yet when an offer to work
for a high-profile government official landed in his lap, he hesitated.
"I was truly flattered, but I had waves of uncertainty — huge ones. The
man I was to work for was extremely bright, extremely capable, and
unbelievably demanding. I was young for this sort of job and knew I
could be setting myself up to bomb out."
Jim marched into the arena anyway. "After some hesitation I decided
not to awfulize the situation. I wasn't going to let my insecurities
control me. After all, I figured that life is about taking chances, so
I convinced myself that this was an opportunity to transcend my
limits." And he did. Today Jim advises top-level politicians.
Jim's gutsy attitude inspired me. I vowed to silence the interior
voices that nattered on about aging faces and sagging body parts, and I
decided to have it out with the woman in the mirror.
I looked closely at my reflection. The face I saw reminded me of an
ancient Chinese vase I had examined in a course I had taken. The vase's
surface was cobwebbed with delicate, fine lines. A small chip marred
the rim. "The chip says it has a history — it knows life," said our
instructor, Patricia Kidd. "The tiny lines on the surface are known as
crackle. These 'caresses of time' add to its beauty and," said Ms.
Kidd, turning the vase lovingly, "they increase its value."
Oh, I liked that.
I peered deeper into the mirror, scrutinizing the crackle creeping
across my face — my very own "caress of time." Beautiful? Well, I'm not
sure about that. But Ms. Kidd's words made me realize how vital it is
to reframe how we see our imperfections — inner ones as well as those in
the mirror — and question the standards that measure personal worth,
success, and yes, even beauty. Like that little vase, perhaps we need
to shift from judgment to acceptance — of others and ourselves — and let go
of the mental and soul-shattering clutter that self-doubt breeds.
CLUTTER BUSTERS
* Resist heaping negative thoughts on yourself. Boost your
self-esteem by making a Brag Sheet that lists all of your wonderful
qualities.
* Have realistic goals. You may bomb as the leader of the country but make one heck of a community organizer.
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Live your own life and tune out the expectations of others. Be a dog-walker, bus driver, or opera diva if that's your dream.
* Praise yourself when you make the grade. Let your buddies in on the good news.
* Resist self-deprecating language. Putting yourself or your abilities down colors how others see you.
* Keep a journal or write a letter to yourself expressing your fears. Give yourself advice on how to overcome them.
* Prove you are loveable by acting loving. Cross the street to
greet a new neighbor. Be the first to say hello when you meet someone.
Asking a newcomer to coffee could seed a new friendship.
* Whether or not you plan to speak in public, consider
participating in a Toastmasters' course. It is an excellent way to meet
people and build confidence.
* Take positive steps. Replacing dessert with an after-dinner
walk will clear your head and trim the waistline, creating a feel-good
attitude.
* Persevere. As Thomas Edison once said, "I haven't failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work."
* If feelings of self-doubt severely limit your life, consider speaking with a trained professional.
This
article was excerpted from:
 Unclutter Your Life: Transforming Your Physical, Mental, And Emotional Space
by Katherine
Gibson.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Beyond Words Publishing, Inc. ©2004.
www.beyondword.com
Info/Order this book.
About the Author
Katherine
Gibson is a member of the Canadian Association of Journalists and the national board of
the Periodical Writers Association of Canada. Katherine holds a Master of
Education degree and is a recognized educator who offers courses at the
University of Victoria. She also provides private coaching to writers. Katherine
is a dynamic keynote speaker and seminar leader who will liven up a conference,
retreat or special occasion. Katherine is based in Victoria, British Columbia. Visit her website at www.katherinegibson.com
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