I Don't Care What
They Say
by Marie T.
Russell
 How many times have you been hurt
by what someone said about you? How many times have you doubted your self-worth
because someone criticized you, either to your face or 'behind your back'?
Why
do we react with such self-doubt or indignation when someone criticizes us, or
says negative things about us?
I find that our reaction reflects
our negative and limiting beliefs about ourselves. If someone said something
'bad' about you and you knew completely within every cell of your body that it
was untrue, it would not bother you. You would simply shrug it off and it would
roll off of you like water on a duck's back. The reason criticism upsets us is
that we also, somehow, somewhere, deep within us believe it to be true -- or at
least we wonder if it might be true.
Now your mind (ego) may rebel at
this thought. Of course you don't believe such nasty things about yourself. But
think back... How many times have you called yourself names when you made a
mistake? Do you recall telling yourself how stupid you were? I know that on
occasion when I have made an error, I have heard myself muttering 'You're such a
idiot!'
So when someone says something
'negative' about you, use the opportunity to eradicate the same (or similar)
belief you have about yourself or others. The other person's opinion does not
matter in itself. It may simply reflect whatever judgments and feelings they have
about themselves. But that does not concern you. Your only concern need be with
how their statement reflects sub-conscious beliefs you have about
yourself.
What I feel we need to do when
someone 'badmouths' us is to first look at our reactions. That is what matters
here. Not what the person said, not why they said it, not what we can say in our
defense. What is important is our reaction. Does it anger us? Does it hurt
us?
If your reaction is one of anger
or hurt, be aware that anger and hurt are the ego's way of defending itself. So
ask yourself, 'Where in my past have I heard this statement about myself? Where does this hurt come from?
Who can this belief be traced back to? What belief do I carry that resonates
with what this person has said about me? What
belief has my subconscious accepted about me?'
Whatever negative statements
someone makes about you may connect to some deeply hidden feelings of guilt that
you have. Only you can uproot those beliefs you have formed and accepted
throughout the years.
Ask yourself again and make a list: 'What are the things,
even the tiny things, in my past or present that I feel guilty about?' And then
write whatever trivial thoughts come to mind. Do not judge the thoughts that
come up. Write them down even if you think they're stupid, silly, or
inconsequential. It may be even some tiny thing like, "I took some candy from
my friend when I was little and I pretended someone else stole them." That
small action may have translated in your belief system into something like 'I am
not trustworthy", "I am greedy", or "Friends can't be trusted".
In somewhat the same way, the
thousands of commercials you have seen throughout the years of slim, sexy women
(or men) may have translated into a belief that "I'm ugly if I'm not shaped like
them." Life's experiences also form our beliefs. A divorce or relationship
breaking up may have become a belief in being a failure and being undeserving of
love.
Once you have your list of guilts,
big and small, ask yourself and write down what belief you have formed from each
one. You may be surprised at the results. Be willing to be 100% honest with
yourself. The purpose is to look at the beliefs that you have formed throughout
the years so you can transform them. Once you have the list of negative beliefs
you have formed, then write the most positive belief you can think of to replace
or reprogram each limiting belief.
Then really reflect and meditate
on these lists. Look deep within and dig out any other beliefs and programs that
are supporting those negative statements. Many times, these beliefs were
implanted by parents, teachers, or siblings. We blindly accepted them as the
truth, since they came from someone older and 'wiser' than us. Yet, it is time
to acknowledge the real truth about ourselves and reject any beliefs that deny
our true nature as children of the Light.
There is no need to create
situations of unworthiness and unhappiness for ourselves. We can take every
challenging experience as an opportunity to look within ourselves and clear out
old limiting beliefs. Whatever we see 'out there' in the world is a
reflection of what is 'in there' within our mind. If you see anger around you,
ask yourself what you are angry about. If you see judgment and condemnation,
look within and see how you also judge and condemn others (and yourself). It's not about the other person. It's about our own perspective and
beliefs.
Dig deep, and you'll find those
belittling beliefs and attitudes — then pull out the 'weeds'. You
deserve to have a Garden of Eden within yourself and around you, not the weeds
of judgment, disharmony, and self-condemnation. Love yourself and pull out the
weeds, otherwise they may pop up at the most unexpected times and sabotage the
most beautiful situations.
People often wonder why
relationships start out so harmoniously and lovingly and then seem to sour as
time goes by. A very simple explanation is that any relationship starts out with
a clean slate. Then, as two people spend time with each other, each starts to
become aware, consciously or subconsciously, of the other's 'weak points' and
negative beliefs.
Any situation or belief that brings up low self-esteem and
self-judgments in one partner will be felt by the other. After a time, the
second person starts to believe these untruths as well. For example, the husband
may feel he has a very wonderful wife. Yet, if she constantly is putting herself
down for being sloppy, ugly, unlovable, etc., then eventually the mate also
starts believing these things. Thus, the relationship starts deteriorating
because of one person's self-evaluation and judgments.
The partner's attitude
becomes a reflection of the self-hate and low self-esteem of the other. Beliefs
become stronger when reflected in another's eyes, and thus the "new reality"
becomes stronger and can therefore destroy the beauty and love that was there at
the beginning.
So, here again, the key is to dig
up the limiting beliefs and eradicate them. They are poisonous and can poison
relationships, job situations, and life itself. Take matters in your own hands, and only accept and nurture those beliefs
that support your perfect health and happiness.
Recommended book:
Five Steps to Overcoming Fear and Self Doubt
by Wyatt Webb.
Using Wyatt's simple five-step process, you'll learn how to walk through
fear and self-doubt and arrive at that hoped-for place of freedom -- the
joy that is your birthright. This book shows how every one of your
fears and self-doubts can be overcome.
For more info or to order this book.
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1991-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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