Getting
Along With Others
by
Karol Kuhn Truman
 Many
people have real challenges in their
relationships with other people. Are you one
of them? Whether your challenges are manifest
by the way you interact or react to a spouse,
a parent, a brother, a sister, a friend, an
acquaintance, an employer, an employee, or a
co-worker is determined by your past feelings
and how they have registered inside you. One
of the largest contributing factors to your
ability to freely enjoy other people depends
upon how much you enjoy yourself... how much
you accept yourself.
Let
me share with you what Dr. Joan Borysenko
says:
"Accept
yourself as you are. (Fat thighs, big nose,
mistakes, health concerns, back pain, or
other physical limitations notwithstanding.)
This means more than a grudging realization
that you'll never again be some way that you
used to be or some way that you wish to be.
Acceptance means actually honoring yourself
as you are now... This allows you to stop
judging yourself negatively, which
invariably brings forth feelings of blame,
shame, guilt, or fear and escalates the
cycle of anxiety and tension."
Getting
along with others can be simple or
complicated, depending on how you look at it.
If someone annoys or irritates you, for what
appears to be no apparent reason, it's usually
an indication that you sense or feel something
in this person that you also sense or feel
(sub-consciously) in yourself, that you don't
like. In other words, the person annoying and
irritating you is only a reflection of you --
a mirror.
An
example of this would be:
You
are a clerk in a retail store. Someone comes
in to be waited on. From the very beginning
of your encounter with this person, they
demand your undivided attention. They act as
if they're the only one in the store. Their
behavior really "bugs" you, they
are so demanding. You can hardly wait until
they have completed their purchases so you
won't have to put up with them and their
attitude any longer.
What
you don't realize is that you possess these
same qualities -- qualities of superiority or
of being demanding in your attitude, or you
would not be resonating with them... they
would not be bugging you. Right here and now,
as you complete your transaction with them, is
the time to take a look at the issue you may
have where these characteristics are
concerned. This person is only mirroring
something that is in you.
This
person is giving you a great gift. This person
is there to teach you. When you have this kind
of experience, a great opportunity for growth
is presenting itself, and you may want to say
to yourself, "Oh good, another chance to
see a part of me I don't like." Take
accountability for the distasteful part of you
that you are recognizing in this other person.
Process those feelings. You will be astonished
and surprised at the change in yourself and
your acceptance of others. All that is
necessary in order for you to initiate this
shift is:
1.
Recognize the fact that a person is either
irritating or annoying you, bugging you,
causing you anger, or whatever the feeling.
2.
Accept the possibility that you may have an
undesirable attitude or characteristic in
common with that person.
3.
Be willing to let it be all right.
4.
Have the desire to accept responsibility for
a less-than-glorious trait.
5.
Accept responsibility for the behavior.
Process undesirable feelings and replace
them with desirable feelings.
Another
example:
You're
at a party or a meeting with someone who
enjoys making comments that you feel are
totally irrelevant. You wish they would just
be quiet and let the true order of business
proceed without all their input. After
awhile you can hardly enjoy anything that's
going on because this person is so
distracting.
If
you haven't realized yet what is happening,
perhaps at this point you'll begin to see that
there is a part of this person's inappropriate
(inappropriate, according to who?) behavior
with which you identify. If you want it to
cease bothering you, just quietly instruct
your Spirit to "please locate the origin
of the feelings causing Jane to bother you,
irritate you," or whatever you want to
label it.
Go
all the way through until you come to the
present, "filled with light and truth,
God's peace and love, forgiveness of myself
for an incorrect perception, and forgiveness
of the other person. It doesn't matter, I see
only the best in everyone, I accept everyone
just the way they are, including myself"
(or words to that effect). Then do your best
to look at this person through eyes of
acceptance and love. Not only will you feel
better toward that person, but you will also
be forgiving and accepting that aspect of
yourself.
How
does it cause you to feel when you have a
strong disagreement or argument with someone?
(It made me feel yukey! I always felt I had
betrayed a vital part of myself.) Does it ever
make anything better? (I never came away from
an argument feeling I gained anything.) Is the
issue ever resolved? And if so, in whose mind?
Does it ever serve a purpose?
Can
you imagine a life without arguments or
unpleasant confrontations with others?
Wouldn't it be wonderful!
Have
you ever wished that you could bring an
unpleasant situation to a screeching halt by
saying something appropriate yet
uncontroversial, and keep your cool at the
same time?
There
IS one way that you can defuse an argument,
disagreement, or confrontation and remain true
to your Higher Self. First of all, it's
necessary to be willing to allow yourself to
be wrong.
Let
it be okay if the situation isn't resolved at
that moment; let it be okay if no one wins;
let it be okay if you don't get the best of
the other person or make your point. You're
only serving your ego when you feel you have
to be right and win all the time.
I
like what Joan Borysenko says in her book, Minding
the Body, Mending the Mind, about the
ego.
"The
ego expresses its insecurities by judging
everything, trying to ensure happiness by
keeping everything tightly controlled. For
this reason I call the ego the Judge. It
splits life into two rigid categories, good
and bad. Blindly seeking good and avoiding
bad, it is caught in the illusion that it
must be good in order to ensure its own
existence."
And
that is what we do when we feel we have to be
right. In order to be good, we think we have
to be right, thereby ensuring our ego's
existence." (EGO has a wonderful acronym:
Edging God Out). In the final analysis it
usually doesn't matter whether we are right or
wrong, anyway... unless our EGO is more
important than peace.
If
you can come from this posture -- that it
doesn't matter -- keeping calm, just say to
the other person as they start arguing with
you, "Bless you, Jane or John (whatever
their name is). Bless you."
The
first time my 16 year old son said this to his
18 year old sister, she couldn't stay in the
arguing mode, although she was poised and
totally ready to go at it with him. When he
said to her, "Bless you, Gina, bless
you," it disarmed her so completely that
she looked at him with shock registered all
over her face, then she just started laughing.
I've never seen anyone change their frame of
reference SO fast!
Saying,
"Bless you," certainly works wonders
when you become irritated at someone on the
highway, in the supermarket, or wherever else
you may be. Just bless them instead of cursing
them as you go along. The words we speak have
powerful vibrations just like our thoughts and
feelings. Even though the person you have
directed your thoughts or words to can't hear
you, you have created a thought field with
your thoughts. The vibrations of those words
go out to the person, and that person is
affected by the positive energy coming from
you.
Another
way to stop an unpleasant outpouring of
negative words and feelings from someone you
are with, is to stay centered, stay calm and
collected, and just say to them, "Thank
you for sharing." Then drop it. Don't say
another word, or change the subject. Usually,
a person doesn't know what to say to this, and
it automatically ends the discussion. Saying
"Thank you for sharing" changes your
energy on the matter and keeps you from
getting emotionally involved or becoming
reactive.
"Thank
you for sharing," is also a good response
to someone who continually complains about
everything in life. Ordinarily these people
are seeking sympathy, someone to agree with
them, or idle discussion on the matter. They
don't get any mileage out of their complaints
when "Thank you for sharing" is your
comment. And when you say, "Thank you for
sharing," it's much easier for you to
avoid involving yourself unpleasantly and
lending your power to the negativity of the
situation.
Direct
love and caring to them from your heart by
expressing in your mind/heart, "I BEHOLD
YOU WITH EYES OF LOVE AND GLORY IN YOUR
PERFECTION." This is a very powerful
healing vibration for both parties involved.
You CAN make the difference.
 This
article is excerpted from:
Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
by Karol K. Truman.
Reprinted with permission.
Info/Order book
About The
Author
KAROL KUHN TRUMAN is a practicing
therapist, instructor, and counselor who specializes in reaching
"core" issues and resolving them painlessly. For more information on
her work, visit her website http://www.healingfeelings.com.
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