Midlife Clarity
by Jane Foley
 It
happened right before my very eyes! I had unexpectedly popped in to check on a
friend who was struggling with many aspects of her life. Just the day before,
her teenage son had bent the family car for the third time, Mr. Wrong was caught
in his ninth lie, and the child-support check had not come -- again.
"How are you doing?" I asked, noticing there was something different about
her today. She vented about that day's new problem, which I think had something
to do with cash flow or, more specifically, the lack of it. I reminded her of a
trick my ninety-two-year-old grandmother had taught me. Whenever I complained
about an insurmountable problem, she would say, "Put yourself one year forward
in time and ask, 'Will this matter next year? Will I even remember it?' Listen
to an old lady, and know that nine times out of ten it won't!"
While she digested my grandmother's advice, I paused, and then added, "You
know, girl, after forty-eight years, need I remind you of that old adage -- God
never puts more on your plate than you can handle."
She sat for a long moment, then looked me straight in the eye and said,
"Right now I'm very clear about one thing: I need a smaller plate!"
She sat smiling in contemplation for a while before she again spoke. "I think
most people would call what I'm going through a midlife crisis, but they're
wrong!" She almost shouted as she sat straight up in her chair. "This is not a
midlife crisis, this is midlife clarity!"
The voice that made this announcement was strong, confident, and clear,
almost as if a new person had appeared behind my friend's desk. It seemed as if
a butterfly had just emerged from the confines of its cocoon and taken flight.
She leaned back in her leather chair with a new air of poise and self-reliance,
as her eyes wandered upward in thought.
Midlife clarity? She hadn't been clear about anything in her life for a long
time, I thought, as I sat observing what was almost a physical change wash over
her. In the past year she seemed to have completely lost herself -- divorce,
single motherhood with two teens, great challenges with her profession, a
current dysfunctional relationship, and an ex-husband continually hauling her
into court. I guess this was why she wanted a smaller plate, I thought, laughing
to myself.
We had been friends for twelve years, casually and professionally, yet for
some reason our lives had only recently begun to interconnect on a regular
basis. Why now, I had wondered, would our relationship grow close after so many
years? I soon found out, as our lives continued to weave together until I found
myself hovering on the edge of her midlife whirlpool, strategically poised to
throw her a lifeline -- the kind of lifeline that can only be thrown from
someone in the sisterhood, the lifeline we women earn after weathering many
storms.
I returned my attention to her. The lifeline I had been attempting to throw
her had been earned through years on my own journey of self-discovery, struggle,
and, at one point, truly losing myself. Just like my friend in her own
whirlpool, I too had navigated through waters I never belonged in to find
midlife clarity. Afterwards, I began to see other women move along the same
course I had navigated in my thirties, when I found that core essence of "who I
am" and began to be comfortable with myself. My "who I am" moment was that same
moment my friend was experiencing now: a moment of clarity -- midlife clarity!
My thoughts turned to memories of my life before my "moment" -- I had met a
wonderful British man when I was working in the Middle East. We had connected on
a level that was that once-in-a-lifetime love. Wow, it was wonderful! I remember
thinking, "I now know what it's like to be walking on air." After a few years in
the Middle East, we moved to England. As an American, I was enchanted by its
tradition, history, and beauty. I made girlfriends and slotted neatly into the
English life. What I couldn't see was that, piece by piece, I was slowly losing
myself. The more time passed, the more of who I was faded into my fiancé's life.
I couldn't work, as a foreigner in another country; I didn't have my American
girlfriends; and my fiancé's world began to develop into my own. I didn't know
it but I was lost.
It wasn't until I returned to the United States that I realized how lost I
really was, not until I began to interact with my girlfriends and feel the early
signs of empowerment. The sisterhood to the rescue! It took about three years to
regain myself; with the help of my friends. And then the moment came -- and it
came with a bang! Nothing specific set it off, it just came.
Midlife clarity is a process that usually begins in one's thirties and
culminates when you wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and see yourself.
Not the self you saw yesterday or the self you saw when you were in another
country or the self of the last decade. You see yourself stripped of all the
trappings of other's expectations, ambitions, or dreams, liberating your core
essence. There is no asking, "Who am I?" You know. You stand tall, you walk
proud, you command respect, and you instill confidence in yourself and others.
It's clarity, exponentially cubed! You are no longer overwhelmed by life; you
are instead wonderfully surrounded by it, capable of handling most of what life
can deal out.
Surrounded by life! This is what midlife should make you think; yet, all too
often, midlife has the stigma of crisis attached to it: "My milestone birthday,"
"I'm over the hill," "I'm having a midlife crisis;' "I'm so old," or "God, I'm
depressed; I've really done nothing with my life" are comments commonly heard
from women approaching forty. The word midlife can conjure anxious thoughts of
that pension plan you're going to start tomorrow, a lost youth, or even of your
own mortality. Then the moment comes when you realize, this is the point in life
we all long for, not dread: the point where you find yourself braver than you
ever believed, stronger than you ever knew; and willing to clarify the rules you
now play by to anyone who crosses your path. It's groundbreaking!
You may be driving in your car, sitting quietly at your desk, or drowning in
that whirlpool that sucks you down and around so that you feel there is no way
out. Oprah spoke about "that moment." She, like so many others, said it's as if
a light bulb just came on. Like clockwork, midlife clarity happens, sometimes on
a woman's exact fortieth birthday.
For years I have known this process existed. People watching has always been
a favorite pastime, and I've noticed that at about age thirty-five, something
begins to click in a woman's brain. She may notice it on a conscious level or
may have only a niggling feeling. She may feel as if someone had just introduced
her as a new member of the family. Those courteous words we are all taught to
say, "Nice to meet you," could never have rung so true.
Not everyone lets it in, but not letting it in is akin to knowing you need to
shed that extra fifty pounds, and then not even trying to lose them. The fear of
looking good may be what is stopping you: you may have to fend off offers for
dates or feel you must now perform sexually. But if circumstances allow, and if
a woman is not afraid of introducing her new self to her old, the process
commences. You might hear her husband comment, "This is not the woman I married!
She would never have said that or done that in the past." That's when I say,
"You go, girl!"
You may be saying, "Yes! I know exactly what you're talking about!" When
you've gone through your moment of clarity, you then have a great perception of
the early signs of the process in others. That's when you can place yourself in
a position that supports, informs, and throws a lifeline when needed, until your
struggling friend comes to the moment of her own midlife clarity.
What a privilege to have been in my friend's office to witness this
transformation, the moment her own midlife clarity was born. On that special
day, it was obvious to me that another stage in the maturation of the human
species had just been labeled, a stage that had either gone unacknowledged or
was considered a negative rather than the monumental, positive facet of human
growth that it is! That moment, midlife clarity, is a right of passage just as
real and important as puberty.
Let there be no mistake. The moment of midlife clarity is not where easy
street rolls out and the world becomes a kinder, gentler place. This is the
kick-off of the second half of the game of life. There will still be penalties,
intercepted passes, and yes, the quarterback will sometimes get sacked. But then
there will the touchdowns, many field goals, and every now and then even a
safety.
Play the game. Play it hard, because this is midlife, and what could be
better than being surrounded by life?
 This
article is excerpted from the book:
Midlife Clarity
by Jane Foley.
©2002. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Beyond Words Publishing.
www.beyondword.com
Info/Order this book.
About the Author
Jane
Foley has worked as a sonographer for over twenty-three years. Such intimate
work with people's bodies somehow causes them to spill their hearts and souls as
she examines their insides. From years of heartfelt discussions over fearful,
hopeful, and joyful times, Jane has learned a lot about the human condition that
stretches far beyond the physical body. Jane grew up in southern California. She
took off at the age of twenty-four to work in Saudi Arabia for a few years and
then moved to England, where she lived for three years. She now resides on the
island of Maui. She is also an accomplished musician and composer. Visit her
website at
www.dreamsinpregnancy.com.
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