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Facing Your Fears:
Life, Death, Aging...
by Denise Linn
 One
bold aspect of the shadow is fear. Beneath every conscious apprehension is a
wellspring of subconscious fear. Each fear is like a small subpersonality inside
of you demanding to be heard. One "fear-being" might chatter, "Don't go outside.
It's raining. You'll catch a cold." Another might be constantly whimpering in
your ear, "Don't fall in love. You know you'll get hurt. It's better to be alone
than be hurt!" No wonder it's hard to move forward in life when you have all
these frantic voices jamming your thoughts.
Each fear-being will act as if it needs attention, and as if, if you don't
listen to it, terrible things could happen to you. When you allow fear-beings to
dominate your life, you live in reaction rather than living by choice.
Sometimes, even if you don't think that you have any fear, your life is still
being dominated by it. For example, "stress" is just a codeword for fear.
Anytime you're "stressed out," you have been listening to the fear-beings. If a
woman is stressed out about not finishing her project on time, at a deeper level
she's probably afraid of being rejected by her coworkers, of receiving a poor
evaluation report, or of letting people down.
When you clutch your fears tight to your breast, suppressing them with
bravado or denial, they become stronger. We cling so closely to our fears that
they begin to become part of our identity. It becomes scary to let them go
because it can feel like part of us is dying. We hold our fears captive and even
justify them, declaring, "That's just who I am." Remember this: you have fears
... but you are not fear. You are larger than your fears.
The road to releasing your fears is to first acknowledge that they are there.
"A fear named is a fear tamed" describes what happens when you begin to face
fear. If you can name it and understand its effect on you, it becomes manageable
rather than wild and unwieldy.
Begin by taking a huge piece of paper and writing down every fear you have.
Big ones. Little ones. Everything. Even some that you are not sure of but which
you might have. Be specific. Keep writing until you are exhausted and then find
some more. As soon as you can see them listed on paper, they will begin to lose
some of their hold on you.
Once you have listed your fears, take one and examine it. As you examine each
fear, ask yourself if it is a fear that serves and supports you. For example, if
you are afraid that you will get out of shape if you don't exercise, then this
fear-being has some value in your life. You can thank it for its presence but
ask that it doesn't judge you so harshly on those days you don't exercise. Your
fears need your love. The more you acknowledge and embrace them, the less they
affect your life.
When you discover a fear on your list that does not serve you, allow yourself
to feel it. For example, if you are terrified of public speaking, imagine that
you are in front of a group of people who are waiting for you to speak. Feel the
fear and at the same time observe yourself. Notice what you feel physically in
your body. Be aware of any emotions or memories from the past that come into
your consciousness. The more you resist experiencing your fears, the more they
will dictate your life.
The next step in this process is to intensify your fear. I mean really feel
it. For example, imagine that the people in the audience are laughing at you and
nothing is coming out of your mouth. Some of the people are rolling in the aisle
laughing at you, and you can't move or speak because you are so frightened.
Imagine feeling your fear as fully as you can. An amazing thing happens when you
do this. The more you try to intensify your fear, the more it diminishes. When
you stop resisting your fear-beings and give them expression, they begin to
dissolve.
An exercise that I have found to be extraordinarily helpful is to imagine the
worst that could happen in a worrisome situation and see how I could gain value
from this potential future. This simple act has helped me overcome some hefty
fears. For example, many years ago I had financial problems and was in serious
debt. I was so scared. Then I thought, "Hey! What's the worst that could happen
here?" I have a pretty active imagination, so I imagined that I got thrown in
prison for years for not paying off my debts. (I didn't realize that in the
United States, we don't send people to prison for debt.)
Then I thought, "Okay, if that is the worst that could happen, how could I
gain value from it?" I'm a good teacher, so I thought, I could give classes to
the other inmates. 1 could even write about the experience of being in prison. I
discovered all kinds of ways that "the worst that could happen" wasn't so bad. I
felt more relaxed and less stressed about my financial situation. As outrageous
as this exercise sounds, when you can really confront and accept the most
terrible outcome, your fear will subside. Fear paralyzes you and limits your
ability to see other possible answers for your problem. When I let the fear go,
I found a multitude of creative ways to change my financial situation. I was
then able to get out of debt fairly easily.
To release a specific fear, begin by taking "baby steps." For example, I used
to be afraid of heights. Whenever I was on a cliff, hill, or mountain I would
get vertigo and feel faint. I wanted to overcome this fear, so I started by
visualizing myself standing on a cliff. It took a while until I could actually
visualize this, but I just did it in small chunks. First I imagined myself near
the cliff, then closer to the top, until finally I could envision myself right
at the edge. Then when I was in Australia for a few weeks, I actually went to
the top of a cliff near Manly Beach in Sydney. Every day I would walk to the top
of the cliff and go a little closer to the edge, until one day I stood near the
precipice railing without fear. Since that time, I am no longer afraid of
heights, and just a few weeks ago, on another trip to Australia, I climbed to
the top of the Sydney Harbor Bridge. It was exhilarating!
Fear occurs when you don't feel that you have the ability to cope with a
situation. The more means you have to deal with fear, the less impact it will
have on your life. Be willing to take action to minimize your fears. For
example, if you are a single woman living in a dangerous neighborhood, it is
justifiable to feel frightened walking alone at night. But don't allow your fear
to overwhelm your life. Take action to minimize your fears. Take self-defense
courses. Learn to walk boldly, with confidence. Pray, meditate, and ask your
allies for protection. Get a friend to walk with you. Take steps to cope with
the situation and your fear will lessen.
Walking confidently through a dangerous area is acting as if you weren't
afraid. Some people might call this "faking it until you make it." No matter
what saying you use, this technique works. If you act as if you are courageous,
strong, and powerful in a fearful situation, you will become so. I have often
felt shy and nervous when meeting new people. To overcome this fear, whenever I
am in a new social situation, instead of trying to be invisible and hiding in a
corner, I act as if I'm not afraid. I courageously introduce myself to strangers
and get to know them. And after a while, I don't feel fearful at all. Not only
is it satisfying to get over an old fear, but I have met some wonderful people
this way.
Whatever you focus on will expand in your life. If you focus on what you
love, you will have more love in your life. If you focus on what you fear, then
your fears will expand. I knew a woman who was frightened that her young son
would fall. She was constantly saying, "I'm so worried that he is going to
fall," and warning her son, "Be careful that you don't fall down." One day this
child took a frightful fall off a neighbor's veranda and was unconscious for a
number of hours. This event only justified his mother's fears. She focused even
more on her fear of her son falling. As her son grew, he was constantly falling.
He fell off his bike numerous times; he fell out of a tree and broke his ankle.
I believe that the mother's extraordinary fear actually precipitated some of his
accidents. A better strategy would have been for her to focus on her child's
grace and balance.
The Effects of Fear
Whenever I am irritable with someone who is acting less than nobly, I
remember that all bad behavior comes from fear. If someone you know is being
selfish, rude, boorish, unkind, angry, bitter, or any other negative emotion,
it's because they are afraid. They might be worried that they are not lovable,
or frightened of not being accepted, or concerned that they won't have enough.
The individual motivating fears may be different, but whenever someone acts
badly, it's because they are afraid. The man who looks down on others does so
because he is afraid that he isn't worthwhile and valuable. Realizing this helps
me have compassion for others, rather than becoming upset with them.
We get upset and frightened when we think that we don't have any options. You
always have options. Sometimes your option is to change your point of view about
the situation. Even if you can't change the situation, usually there is another
way to look at it. Shift your perspective of the situation and you can shift
your fear.
Sometimes the best option is to leave the situation. You do not need to stay
in a situation that does not empower you. When my daughter was young, I told
her, "Meadow, if you are ever in a situation that doesn't feel right, get out!
Say to yourself, 'This sucks. I'm leaving.' Trust your intuition. If you are
with a group of kids who are going to do something that doesn't feel right,
leave. If someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, get out of
there." I had her repeat the words "This sucks. I'm leaving" until I knew that
they would come to mind whenever the need arose.
Fear isn't necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes it acts as a warning
system. It is true; females do have intuition. It is one of our gifts. If you
are in a place that doesn't feel right, leave immediately. If you step into an
elevator and it feels strange, get out! Forget about being polite or nice.
Female victims when telling their stories usually say that they could sense
something was wrong beforehand but didn't act on that feeling because it
wouldn't have been polite. Always listen to your gut instincts. Your fear can be
a warning system giving you immediate information about a situation or person.
Roberta is a strong and capable woman who leads hiking treks in the lower
Himalayan mountains. One morning, as her trekking group started out, she began
to have an uneasy feeling, which expanded into a full-blown fear. Rationally
there was no reason for her anxiety. The skies were clear, the mountain reports
were good. Instead of listening to her mind, though, she listened to her fear.
She took an alternative route to their destination. When they arrived, they
heard that another group had been caught in an avalanche on the trail they had
intended to take, and several people had been killed. This is a dramatic example
of listening to your fear; there will be times when you'll never know the reason
why you chose one road instead of another in life, but have confidence that
there is always a reason.
Facing Old Age and Death Without Fear
Hattie Linn, my husband's grandmother, was a role model for me. She was
independent, fun, and feisty and lived to almost a hundred years old. She loved
to travel and have adventures. When she was in her nineties, she found herself
close to the epicenter of a huge earthquake in California. When it hit, she was
standing next to a door in her home; she grabbed on hard and thought, I'm
going to hang on for the ride! The earthquake whipped her body back and
forth, but Hattie staunchly hung on. When the shaking stopped, she yelped for
joy. The earthquake had thrown her back in, and it felt great. The
earthquake had been like an enormous chiropractic adjustment that had released
the pain in a chronically troublesome back. If her attitude had been different
and she had thought the world was coming to an end during the earthquake, I
don't think that she would have had such a positive reaction.
I want to be a glorious older woman. I want to be willing to take risks,
learn new things, and dance with abandon under the stars no matter how old I am.
But I know that being a glorious older woman starts with being a glorious
younger woman. It starts here and now. We are all getting older every day. One
day you and I will both be old, if it is our destiny to live that long. It is
our choice whether we live in fear and act according to other people's
expectations of what an older person is or whether we allow ourselves to be
authentic and real. Start now; you are an elder in training. The more you
experience joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment in the present moment, the easier
it will be to have these qualities in the years ahead.
As we age it's important to find the joy in the present moment rather than
clinging to what we once were. On the day I turned forty I was lamenting growing
older. Meadow, who was twelve years old at the time, said, "Mom, it's true that
you're not as young as you once were ... but you're certainly not as old as
you're going to be. Enjoy forty." And she was so right. It's all perspective.
I'm fifty-two now, and forty seems young to me.
My mother is eighty-four years old and lives in a Veterans of War nursing
home. She stays in bed most of the time. I was feeling sad about this, but she
said, "Actually, it's great to be in bed all the time. I love to read and now I
can read to my heart's content. And on top of this, my meals are brought to me!"
I was impressed with her ability to find joy in the present, rather than
clinging to what she once had. If you cling to what you once were or what you
once had, you will be miserable. If you find joy where you are, your life will
blossom.
I don't know what I'll be like when I face my death. I'd like to think I will
be noble and gracious. In my wishful imagination, my death will be a spiritual
experience. But most deaths are painful, messy, unpleasant, and accompanied by
fear. I don't know how or when I will die. I do know that my willingness to
accept it will make death easier and will make me live more fully until that
time.
In Native American culture, there is an expression that I love. When it is a
beautiful day, we say, "It's a good day to die." To me this means that I am
ready to face death today because, right now, I am complete and whole;
therefore, I am ready to live fully this day. A woman who recognizes and accepts
her natural cycles -- including death -- experiences an unparalleled depth of
life. For as long as you fear death, your fear hovers over every moment of your
life and filters every experience.
Are you ready to die? If not, why not? What is incomplete or undone in your
life? With whom do you need to communicate? Whom do you need to forgive? Whom do
you need to tell that you love? If you aren't ready, get ready. A Glorious Woman
is prepared and ready for her death whenever it might be. You might die in sixty
years or thirty or ten or next month or tomorrow. When you live as if every
moment were your last -- your last sunset, your last rainbow, your last kiss --
then life becomes so much more precious.
One of the best ways to prepare for your death is to be genuine and
authentic. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a powerful advocate for dying with dignity
and who has been with thousands of people as they died, says that people who are
"wishy-washy Protestants, or wishy-washy Catholics, or wishy-washy Jews" have a
terrible time dying. She claims that people who are "solidly something or
solidly nothing, die with more peace." If your beliefs are half-hearted and
merely intellectual, they will fall apart at the approach of death. Whoever you
are and whatever you believe, be solid in it without hesitation or remorse; be
all of it.
It's comforting to think that we can die with dignity and grace, but death
isn't always neat and tidy. Sometimes it's hard to maintain our sense of self
and authenticity when we are faced with fear, suffering, and pain. However, as
you begin now to rid yourself of anger, fear, and resentment, you'll be more
prepared for death. This way, whenever it's time for you to cross over, it will
truly be a "good day to die."
Acceptance is the key to dying well. When that day
is upon you, accept yourself in whatever emotional state you are in. If you are
afraid, accept that. If you are angry, accept that. If you are whining, accept
that. Acceptance and authenticity is the key to stepping through the veil with
grace and ease.
 This
article was excerpted from the book:
Secrets & Mysteries
by Denise Linn.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Hay House Inc. ©2002. www.hayhouse.com
Info/Order this book.
More books by this author.
About the Author
Denise
Linn has researched healing traditions from
cultures around the world for more than 30 years. As a renowned lecturer,
author, and visionary, she regularly gives seminars on six continents, and also
appears extensively on television and radio shows. She is also the author of:
If I
Can Forgive, So Can You: My Autobiography of How I Overcame My Past and Healed
My Life;
Sacred Space: Clearing and Enhancing the Energy of Your
Home;
The Secret Language of Signs;
Space Clearing A-Z: How to Use Feng Shui to Purify and
Bless Your Home;
Quest: A Guide to Creating Your Own Vision Quest;
Feng Shui for the Soul plus
many more. Visit her website at
www.DeniseLinn.com.
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