Dealing with Anger,
Hatred, Guilt, Regret, etc.
by Mark Schwartz
If
you truly want to improve your life, you have to travel lightly. That is, you
have to learn to let go of self-defeating emotions such as anger, hatred, guilt,
regret, etc.
It's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for you to feel good
about yourself and to improve your life if you are filled with hostility or
consumed by deep-rooted anger.
Let's face it, we all get angry from time to time. Anger is a common human
emotion. Yet, eventually you have to let go of your anger and go on with your
life. Don't dwell on the events or circumstances that invoked your anger.
Instead try and learn from these experiences so that you may be able to avoid
them or at least deal with them better in the future.
Sometimes things happen in our lives that we have no control over, things
that make us bitterly angry. Such is the case for victims of debilitating
illnesses and crime victims. This is especially true for victims of violent
crimes. The anger in the victim is obviously warranted and in most cases almost
expected. However, the victim's anger alone won't change anything. In fact the
anger usually makes the victim's life worse, especially if they can't let go of
it.
If you don't let go of the anger, it will continue to grow, to fester and to
eat away at your life. Like all negative emotions, left unchecked, your anger
will eventually become all consuming and could ultimately destroy your life.
If you're in this type of a situation, where something, some event or someone
has made you bitterly angry, try to put things in perspective. Is your anger (or
hatred) going to accomplish anything positive or in any way going to
significantly improve your life or anybody else's? Is your anger going to change
anything that has already happened? Realistically speaking, no.
Instead of focusing on what made you angry, try focusing on what you can do
to make yourself feel better and to accept what has already happened. (While
doing so, keep in mind that revenge is not an acceptable option.) We can't
change the past, but we can change how we deal with it.
Is there anything that you can do to prevent this from happening to you, or
someone else, again? Is there any possible good that can come out of what has
already happened? Have you learned anything from this unfortunate experience
that could help someone else in any way?
You can't change what has already happened. Still, you can hopefully learn
from what has happened and take the necessary precautions to prevent it from
happening again to you or someone else. Perhaps you can even find some way of
easing the pain of someone else who has experienced a similar unfortunate
situation. You'll find that doing so will help you accept and overcome your own
misfortune.
Many victims' rights advocates have been the victims of violent crimes
themselves. They have taken their anger and redirected it to help others.
(Perhaps this is what gives victim's rights advocates the courage to fight for
the rights of other victims, relentlessly, day in and day out.)
COPING WITH GUILT OR REGRET
Guilt and regret, like anger, is another common human emotion that we all
experience at one time or another in our lives. Actually, it's normal for you to
feel a certain amount of guilt or regret from time to time in your life. It
shows that you have a conscience. Yet, it's not healthy, to be constantly
dwelling on feelings of guilt or regrets
We've all done things in the past that we wish we hadn't done. We've also
wished we had done certain things that we never did. Let's face it, we're human,
we make mistakes. Sometimes these are little mistakes that we quickly forget.
Other times these mistakes are not so little and we just can't seem to forgive
ourselves for them. Unfortunately, regardless of how bad we feel about what we
have done, or should have done in the past, there is no way to go back and
change it. We can't change the past. We can't change what's already happened.
The best we can do is to admit to our past mistakes, make amends and hopefully
learn from them so that we are not destined to repeat them.
I would like to tell you that even though we can't change the past, we can
change what we do tomorrow. But that would be a lie. The truth is, since we only
live in the present, we can only change the present. We can only change what we
are doing right here and now at this very moment in our life. Make no mistake,
the things we do today in the present will undoubtedly affect our lives
tomorrow. Consequently, our current actions and present way of life will
definitely affect our life tomorrow. Since we can't change what we did
yesterday, and we can't change what we do tomorrow, we better damn well do some
good today!
The best way to deal with regrets is to live your life in such a way that
you don't have any regrets.
Think of your life as like an obscure revolving door. People will constantly
be coming and going through it -- usually with little or no notice at all.
Unfortunately, we never really know when someone very close to us is going to go
through that door and never return. If you have any guilt or regret regarding a
loved one, or anyone for that matter, make amends today. Don't wait until
tomorrow. Change what you can right here and now and make your peace today. Once
that person passes away, it's much too late.
When you have lost a loved one, or someone very close to you, you don't have
the luxury of saying, "I'm sorry". You no longer have the ability to tell that
person how much they meant to you or how happy they made you when they were
still alive. That's why it's so important to tell your friends and loved ones
today how important they are to you.
When I was younger I remember my mother, and even my grandmother, always
saying, "Flowers are for the living". It wasn't until years later, as I grew
older, that I realized exactly what that meant. With each funeral that I went
to, I would look at the flower arrangements. I would read some of the cards and
gaze in astonishment at the size of some of the arrangements. It seemed that the
biggest arrangements weren't necessarily from the closet living relative, but
rather from someone who was typically, for one reason or another, emotionally
distant from the deceased. It was as if the flowers were supposed to make up for
something that the relative had done, or said, or should have done or said, to
the deceased before they died.
I don't know when exactly it hit me, but I eventually realized that flowers
really are for the living! Even the most precious roses, the brightest
carnations and the most fragrant lilies, won't make one iota of difference to
the deceased. If only a fraction of the thought and time that went into the
selection of those flowers had been spent on the person while they were still
alive. Then there would be no need to overcompensate with funeral flowers.
With each funeral, with each loss of a loved one or close friend, I became
more convinced that flowers really are for the living.
This became painfully clear at my own mother's funeral. My mother had been in
a nursing home for six years just prior to her death. During those six years,
she was amazingly alert and always a pleasure to visit and converse with.
However for some unknown reason a close relative of my mother, who lived fairly
near the nursing home, never came to visit her. To the best of my knowledge, not
once during those six years did he even make an attempt to visit her. Ironically
though, he did come to the funeral home the night of her wake. I'm sure his
heart was heavy with regret that night and probably still is. If only he had
come to visit her a week or two before. If only he had even called her. We
talked scarcely for a few minutes. Both he and I knew it was much, much, too
late now for his visit to change anything.
Live your life today!
If you've done something or said something that you know you shouldn't have,
make your amends today. If there is someone that you have been thinking a lot
about, call that person. Don't wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow may be a lifetime
too late.
You can't change tomorrow, but you can change what you do today, right here
and now.
If you feel regret about your relationship with someone who has already left
this world, you obviously can't make amends with that person. Unfortunately your
guilt, or regret, however sincere or deserved it may be, cannot change what has
already transpired. In fact, regret is wasted spirit. In other words, the time,
thought and energy you spend on your regrets is not, will not, cannot change
anything. Regret and guilt alone won't help you or anybody else. Regret and
guilt will not improve your life or anybody else's. Nor will it change anything
about that which you regret.
Regardless of how guilty you feel about something or how deeply you regret
your actions (or lack thereof), you simply can't change what has already
happened. Now, with all that said, all is still not lost.
If your regret is in regards to your relationship with one who is now
deceased, you obviously can't go back in time and change that relationship.
However you can and should make a conscious decision, or better yet a promise to
yourself, to insure that some good will come from your regrets.
Obviously no good can come simply by regret alone. You have to take some
positive action to achieve that goal. Ideally, the type and extent of your
action would be in proportion to the reason for your guilt or regret.
For example, this book is a direct result of my own guilt and regret. You
see, my own brother took his life at the age of 34. I deeply regret not having
seen the signs of severe depression and desperation in the final days of his
life. I truly regret not spending more time with him while he was still alive.
Perhaps my deepest regret is that I did not do more to ease his burden in life. Unfortunately, it's much too late to help him in any way. I obviously can't go
back in time and change anything.
In the days following my brother's funeral, I made a promise to myself that I
would see to it that some good would come from his death. I didn't know what
that good would be or how I would accomplish it, but I knew in my heart that I
had to do something, anything. Since it was too late to help him, I knew that I
would have to take some action to help others. In all honesty, it was the only
way that I could accept his untimely death. I eventually decided to write this
book in the hope of helping others get control of their lives and easing their
burden. This clearly isn't helping my deceased brother in any way, but it has
gone a long way in helping me deal with his loss and my own deep regrets.
If you have regrets regarding your relationship with an elderly person who is
now deceased, it might help to ease those regrets if you visited a nearby
nursing home -- perhaps even on a regular basis. Many residents of nursing homes
are lonely and long for visits and conversations with anyone even complete
strangers. You might even consider volunteering at a local nursing home. My
point is that instead of dwelling on your regret, you should turn your negative
emotions into positive actions.
It may take some time for you to determine what exactly it is that you should
do to make amends. However that's not important. What is important is that you
make the decision (and follow through on it) to redirect your negative energy
into something positive. Stop dwelling on what you should or shouldn't have
done.
Instead focus on what it is, whatever that positive thing is, that you need
to do today in the here and now to compensate for whatever it is that you feel
the guilt or regret about. Then and only then will you be able to go forward in
life and leave the guilt and regret behind. You may never truly let go of all
your guilt and regret. However, if you take positive actions to compensate for
that guilt and regret you will at least be able to live a happy and productive
life finding comfort in knowing that you have taken the appropriate actions to
make amends for those past mistakes and helped others in the process.
 This
article was excerpted from:
A Better Life Ahead
by Mark Schwartz.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, NYTEXT Publishing Co. LLC. ©2003.
Info/Order this book
Recommended book:
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
by Eckhart Tolle.
Info/Order this book
About the Author
Mark
Schwartz is a successful author and software engineer residing in a beautiful
rural area of upstate New York. Mark has authored numerous software applications
and technical documents for fortune 500 companies from New York to California.
Mark was motivated to write "A Better Life Ahead" largely as a result of his
brother's suicide. Mark hopes his book will motivate and encourage others to
take control and improve their lives before they reach the same point of
hopelessness and desperation that his brother did just prior to his demise.
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