Accepting
the Kid
by Marie T. Russell
 So many
of us go through life trying to be better than... better
than someone else, or better than who we are, or better
than who we've been. We have a picture in our heads of
how we "should" be, a picture of life
"should" be, and we endeavor to live up to
that picture. However, it's just a picture. It's a
figment of our, or of someone else's, imagination.
Just as
Bruce Willis's character in The Kid, we go around trying
to "achieve" -- achieve changing ourselves,
changing others, and changing our world. On the surface,
that may seem like a good thing... after all, we want to
become a better person. Yes, but at what cost? Are we
trying to become someone we're not? The Kid sums it up
when he says (and I paraphrase), that his adult self's
job as an image consultant entails "helping people
hide who they are so they can pretend to be someone
they're not".
In
trying to "improve" ourselves, we need to ask
ourselves a question... Are we trying to improve because
we just can't stand who we are? Do we dislike ourselves
so much that we can't wait to become someone else? If
that's the reason behind our taking personal growth
workshops or reading books on becoming a better person,
then I think we're starting at the wrong place.
Have we
accepted what we were told (sometimes subliminally,
sometimes blatantly) throughout our childhood? That we
weren't good enough? That we were stupid, ugly, nerdy,
vain, not fit to be played with, would never amount to
anything, whatever, whatever... Did we take those
comments to heart -- comments made by an angry or
confused parent, by an insecure sibling, a frightened
bullying classmate, an exhausted teacher? Did we take
those comments to our hearts, and then proceed to build
a wall so others could no longer laugh at us, or mock
us? Did we close the door to our heart so we wouldn't be
vulnerable, so we wouldn't get hurt?
How many
of us sealed off the door to our heart promising
ourselves we wouldn't let others hurt us like that
again? How many of us struggled to "become" a
success so that we could "show them" that we
were ok, that we were lovable, that we were "worth
something", that they'd been wrong in their
judgment of us? Or did you go the other way... accepting
what "they" said about you, and not even
bothering to try... Accepting that you were unlovable,
and worthless, never would be anybody...
Why do
need to go back into our childhood? Is is to dredge up
all the hurtful events, to examine them one by one, so
we can face up to the pain? That might be part of the
process, but it is not the goal. Is it so we can forgive
everyone in our past? Again, that may be part of the
process, but it is not the goal. Is it so we can forgive
ourselves? Again part of the process...
The
reason it is important for us to get back in touch with
the kid we were, is so we can learn to love that kid,
exactly as it was. With the lisp, or pimples, or
chubbiness, or whatever it was that you didn't love
about yourself. Whatever it was that you felt made you
"not good enough"! Whatever it is that you
still judge yourself for being "way back then"
and are intent on not letting anyone see in you now...
Whoever it was that you were, that you're busy trying to
change... The goal of "going back to your
childhood" is so that you can finally love that
person, that kid... that kid who was simply doing the
best it could in the circumstances... whatever those
were... Whether your childhood was so-so, or miserable,
or even happy, there is a ghost you may have been trying
to bury... and that ghost is you.
If we
can't love ourselves, if we can't feel love and
compassion for the child we were, then we are simply
trying to be someone else, someone we are not. Of course
we made mistakes, of course we did stupid things in our
childhood, of course we didn't "have it all
together", of course we often took the blame for
things that had nothing to do with us... No, it wasn't
your fault that your mother was always grumpy, or sick,
or tired, or whatever. No, it wasn't your fault that
your father had to go to work everyday to put
"bread" on the table. No, it wasn't your fault
that the other kids gathered in a circle and talked
about you, or laughed at you, or whatever... It wasn't
your fault! It simply was what it was -- an experience
you had while growing up! And that's it! It wasn't
"because of you" -- it wasn't "your
fault".
The
movie "The Kid" encourages us to meet up with
the kid we were -- not to change him, but to understand
where he's been, where he's going, and where he truly
wants to be. Does he really want to be a high-powered
executive that lords it over everyone, or does he simply
want to love and be loved? Does the successful job, big
house, and great car make him a success, no longer the
"loser" that he always felt he was? Or is he
still a loser even with all those trappings of success?
And is it too late, on the eve of his 40th birthday, to
finally learn how to have a happy childhood, right here
and right now? Can he "unbury" the kid he was,
and finally let him come out and play, finally let him
be himself? ...finally live up to his own dreams, not
someone else's?
All
these questions, and more, are some that we might want
to stop and ask ourselves. If the kid that we were was to show up in
our life today, would we be living the life he'd always
dreamt of? Or would we still be a "pathetic
loser" in his eyes, just working our butt off to
become someone we don't think we are... trying to
"become someone" instead of realizing we
already are someone and maybe what we need to do is
discover who that is... Instead of trying to create a
new "us" from scratch, or think we have to
"fix up" the current model of who we are,
maybe we need to dig up the "original" us and
see who that really is and finally let that kid be really who
we are...
RECOMMENDED
BOOK:
Radical Honesty: How to Transform your Life by Telling the Truth
by
Brad Blanton, Ph.D.
Info/Order
this book
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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