Complaining Properly!!!
by
Marie T. Russell
Complain?
Don't we all? Of course we do, yet do we know how to
complain properly? Is there such a thing as complaining
properly? Isn't complaining just a "negative"
thing? Or is it a necessary way of venting our
frustrations?
First
let's look at what complaining is. Our trusty
Webster has these two definitions of the word
complain:
1) To
express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or
resentment and;
2) To make a formal accusation.
OK, so
when we complain, we're saying that we don't like the
way something is. That's a good beginning, since before
we can find a solution to anything, we must be aware
that there is a problem, or something that needs to
change. So complaining is the first step in making any
changes -- becoming aware that there is something we
would like to change, something we are dissatisfied
with.
But
that's where we often get stuck. Rather than move on to
the finding of a solution, we remain in the complaining
mode. Just think about it... We do it in our feelings
towards ourselves, our mates, our co-workers,
boss, children, etc. etc. We complain, we badger, we
moan and groan. We go on and on (and on) about the problem...
about what's wrong... about what we dislike... But we
sometimes forget to move on to the next part -- the part
where we take action and make changes.
A lot of
us complain about our job... we don't like it, we're
underpaid, under-appreciated, overworked, etc. etc. Or
we complain about our health -- we're overweight,
under-energized, tired, sick, have allergies, etc. etc.
Or we complain about our mate and children... or our
neighbors... or our politicians... Ah, yes, there is so
much to complain about... Which can be seen in a
positive light. It means there's a lot of places where
we can have some effect... A lot of areas where we can
make a difference. Except for one thing... We're stuck
in mode one: Identifying the problem (complaining).
Somehow,
we're convinced that complaining, all by itself, will
make a difference. Now, tell me, those of you who have
teenagers, how many times does complaining that their
room is messy make a difference? In any situation in
life, how many times does complaining ever make a
difference? On its own, probably not too often. However,
when we follow up the complaining (or better yet, skip
the complaining, because we've already been there, done
that) by starting to look at resolutions, solutions,
ways to "fix" the problem, then we're getting
somewhere.
We are
not powerless. As a matter of fact we are very powerful
beings, but we had forgotten that. Our power lies in
the fact that we can change things in our life, in our
environment, in our behavior, in our thoughts. Our
weakness is that for too long we have focused on the
problems and not enough on the solutions. Ooops, I'm
doing it myself right now... OK, we've identified
complaining as an incomplete solution to any problem...
so where do we go from here?
Let's
look again about the things I mentioned earlier that we
complain about. OK. The easiest ones to change are the
ones that only affect ourselves. So let's look first at
our health. So you complain about being overweight and
under-energized, tired, sick, etc. Well, we all know
that there are many solutions to those problems. We can
no longer blame it "on the gods". We know that
we can affect those health challenges simply by starting
with proper diet and fluid intake (skipping the sugar
drinks), exercise, fresh air, and a positive attitude
(willingness to do something about it).
So
anytime you find yourself complaining about not feeling
well, or being tired, ask yourself: What can I do about
this? How can I take charge of my life so that I don't
feel this way? The great thing is that we always know
what to do. I was speaking with someone the other day
who hasn't been feeling well. When I suggested that they
see a health practitioner to see what the problem was...
my friend said that he knew what he needed to do, he
just needed to do it -- he knew he needed to eat better,
exercise, quit smoking, etc. etc..
In most
cases, we know what we need to do to remedy the
situation about which we complain: Take charge of our
life. If it's work we complain about, there again, we
need to take a hard look and see what it is we need to
change. Maybe it is time for you to move on to another
job, or maybe you need to stand up and ask for a raise.
Yet, sometimes it's as simple as changing our attitude
-- from one of constant complaining, to one of looking
for solutions. And the solution is usually found in
changing ourselves -- not in trying to change "the
other".
I know
that it's always easier to complain and blame someone
else (haven't we all done it?) than to admit that we are
the ones who need to change. If one of your co-workers
aggravates you "to no end", of course one
solution is to quit your job, but then, the next job may
have someone who aggravates you even more. The solution
probably lies in looking at what really aggravates you
and asking yourself two things: Is it that important?
and Why does it aggravate me so much?
Answering
these two questions truthfully will greatly alleviate
the pressure. The idea is to search for things you can
do... whether it is in changing your attitude, your
expectations, your actions, your thoughts, your job,
your whatever... This is not about blame and
condemnation -- either of yourself or the other persons
involved. No one can make you happy but yourself. If
you've decided to be miserable, no one can make you
happy -- unless you decide you no longer want to be
miserable and choose happiness instead.
If
you've decided that someone's behavior bothers you, then
it will. So why not decide that you can handle it? And
then see what can be done? Sometimes, the interaction
with the other person can be minimized so that you have
less opportunities to be aggravated... but we can't
control the actions of others.
However, since our own actions and thoughts are in our
own jurisdiction, that's where we can make a
difference.
So when
you hear yourself complaining, the first question to ask
is: What can I do about this situation? What can I
change about myself to alleviate the problem? Sometimes
it's as simple as accepting that your co-worker (or
whoever) is the way they are, and choosing to "live
with it". Then, the next step is to see what can be
done in the external world as well, keeping in mind,
that everyone has the right to their "space",
their way of living, their way of being. Sometimes, the
best way to "change someone else" is by being
an example... The dictum goes: Change yourself, and the
world will change with you.
So
complain yes, but once only, not on and on and on.
Complain so that you identify the thing that needs
changing, and then do something about it. Complaining
only adds more fuel to the fire... If you want to
extinguish the fire, you need to take action. Not just
sit there and complain... Move on to step two: What can
I do about it so that I can be at peace with this
situation? What do I need to do in order to: 1) learn to
accept 2) make a difference.
We're
all familiar with the Serenity prayer:
Lord
grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can;
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen to that!
Recommended book:
A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted
by Will Bowen.
The author provides practical answers and includes inspiring and touching stories
from people just like you who have transformed their lives by becoming
Complaint Free. Over 6 million people in more than 80 countries
have taken the Complaint Free challenge and their lives are a testament
to the positive effects of this simple idea. Find out how forming the
simple habit of not complaining can transform your health,
relationships, career and life.
For More Info or to Order This Book.
 About The Author
Marie
T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also
produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from
1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and
well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own
inner source of joy and creativity.
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