Being Yourself Without Fear
by Noel Tyl
As
soon as two individuals begin to relate, a bonding starts that is involved with
reciprocal resource exchange: what can you do for me and what can I do
for you. Social psychologists call this a gain-loss process.
For this process of resource exchange to work well, there must be a
frustration tolerance in each person for those needs that are not well satisfied
in the relationship (loss), and an appreciation for the reward gain from those
needs that are well satisfied (gain). Then, individual self-respect and
confidence -- with no fear of reprisal from the other person -- allow intimacy
to begin with the other individual in the relationship.
In the simplest of terms, the need fulfillment process within relationship
and the possible introduction of intimacy come down to the bare but enormously
challenging truth: I can only be intimate with someone when I can be myself
without fear.
The astrological delineation (appreciation) of individual needs is
unavoidably filtered through the development experience in the early home life.
There are always mitigating circumstances; there are always different degrees of
need development. There are always different levels of fulfillment and
frustration, each spawning other behaviors within the identifying pattern.
A young male client with whom I consulted this morning has the Sun in
Aquarius and the Moon in Aries: a reigning need tremendously orientated to ego
prominence (to be numero uno), to place himself into prominence through
self-awareness, keen thought, and a judicial attitude about the rest of the
world. We can see his Sun-Moon positions as those of a natural and genuine
superiority complex.
The young man's Mars was in Capricorn, Venus was in Pisces, and Mercury was
in Aquarius -- feel those positions in terms of behavioral needs -- all of which
start to channel his development into getting something done for others ... in
order to gain ego importance.
But there were mitigating circumstances indeed: his mother was a prostitute
(corroborated by Neptune conjunct the Node) who gave him up after a few years to
a distant, resentful father (SaturnRx). My client discovered himself by learning
to fight obstreperously at school, by turning to thievery, by finally dropping
out of school. He never understood the boundaries of behavior (a Moon-in-Aries
extremism) until some large Plutonic transits paralleled alteration of his
perspectives away from rebellion and put him on track to real-life achievement
and development. He is now a model young businessman, and his having learned the
hard way -- having triumphed in spite of all the impediments -- has given him a
poise and confidence that are extraordinary.
In our society, we hear often about relationships, "Well, I'm the live
wire and he's the strong silent type," or, "She understands my need to
be the life of the party." We hear as well, "Opposites attract,"
with the implication being that, "Similars are boring or off-putting."
Psychological studies show that this is a complicated issue. Some
investigators find that married couples tend to have complementary need systems
and others find that married couples tend to have similar need systems. Esteemed
psychology professor Elliot Aronson thinks that it all depends on which
personality characteristics are under consideration.
The "Odd Couple," bringing together someone obsessively neat and
someone gladly sloppy, probably will not work out. It is strongly suggested that
two neat people will relate - or two similars attracting each other. But
consider this: the extrovert may need the introvert as an audience, but how
easily will nights-on-the-town be repeatedly sacrificed to a stay-at-home
preference? Within need systems, there is a ranking of degrees. It is
complicated.
What if a male is highly nurturing -- a Cancerian dimension predominating,
for example -- and is partnered with a woman who is archly independent? This
relationship might bring misery, unless there were something else that was
highly valued, the fulfillment of which was more important than the nurturing
dimension. Very often in difficult need-profile interaction, the sexuality
dimension can upset the balance decidedly. This may be the offsetting -- but
rarely long-lasting -- reward.
Additionally, there is the family filter through which the extravert has
passed (behaviors that have been routined to gain parental attention?) and the
introvert as well (behaviors suppressed through repeated criticism?). The two
have found a way to turn off the overcompensation and share long-needed respect
and support. Maybe that is how the relationship will work.
And finally, we must remember the forces of societal expectation and
approval: in our culture, men are supposed to be relatively dominant and wives
to be relatively submissive in relationships. Aronson reports that when the
needs of a couple work out to coincide with the role norms set forth by society,
the chances of marital happiness are increased. This suggests that the male is
being himself and the female is being herself, and the predictable, reliable
approval of others around them reinforces this behavior. The couple's behaviors
and opinions are molded by the explicit and implicit approval of others, by
society in general.
Another question: how can relationships that begin apparently so well start
to fall apart? The evaluation, "My wife doesn't understand me!"
certainly was not the case heading into the wedding! "He's just so stupid;
everything he does [overstatement, of course] is wrong," certainly was not
the case during the initial attraction and the early years of marriage when the
couple did so many wonderful things together and the husband was so successful.
What has changed?
We know that Uranian contact with the Ascendant (by Arc or by Transit) tends
to suggest disruption in relationship (the Ascendant is one end of the personal
horizon, remember; the other end is relationships)." In more complete
terms, the Uranian influence accentuates the individual at the expense of the
relationship. Perhaps that is what is behind the sense of "Well, we just
outgrew each other" or "We are now heading into separate
directions." The individual ascends above or past the relationship in the
focus of gain and loss, of need pressure and fulfillment. A greater effort is
made for the Self, and that effort is rewarded away from the relationship.
Psychologists note a "dark side" to long-term relationships that
can also help us to understand change. The solidarity at the beginning of a
relationship is undoubtedly graced by intimacy: "The priceless comfort of
being accepted by someone who knows your shortcomings as well as your
strengths." Aronson suggests that, once we have grown certain of the
rewarding behavior of a person, that person may become less powerful as a source
of reward than a stranger can be. By the same token, a loved one has great
potential as a punisher.
It has been found in psychological testing that there is a tendency for
people to react more positively to strangers than to friends when either group
was designated as the source of relatively positive evaluation of the subjects.
The perhaps over-familiar compliment from the spouse carries much more impact
when presented by a stranger, and, in turn, one's liking for the stranger is
increased.
Aronson's comment is that we seem to be forever seeking favor in the eyes of
strangers while, at the same time, we are being hurt by friends and other
familiar people. This tells us that our appreciation of the stranger is a kind
of speeded up intimacy process, with the key being that the stranger, the
friends "out there," do not know our vulnerabilities. We are meeting
strangers quickly, looking and being our best, and there is this marvelous
compliment that lifts us high! We rarely doubt or discredit it." This
certainly is a rationale for the allure of prostitution as well.
This appreciation for the stranger through the positive statement or act is a
vital energy that also occurs within the astrological consultation. I have long
noticed that when I paid a compliment to a client, I have sometimes received
enormous appreciation for it. I have then asked, "Hasn't your wife/husband
told you this recently?" [I add the word "recently" as a grace,
implying that "of course she/he knows this positive observation and has
told you many times before."] Through this kind of subtle bonding within
the ego-appreciation process of the astrological consultation, much client
strengthening can be accomplished.
Gains in esteem are essential to a relationship that is continuing to grow.
Fresh ways of communicating this are exciting ways to reassure the process
toward intimacy.
And lastly, we must know that we tend to relate better with people when
bonded through disclosure, when they honor us by revealing something intimate
and negative about themselves. This is especially true when the person is
normally reserved. The implication is that there is something special about us
that made him or her feel like opening up. This is the "best friend"
with whom one can be intimate, while intimacy may be difficult with the spouse.
And here again, during the astrological consultation, we encounter similar
dynamics connected with disclosure.
Interplanetary Relationships
Running through these large concepts is the actual planetary
interrelationships from one person to another, from one horoscope to another. We
appreciate as best we can the need structure and early development patterning in
one horoscope, appreciate the same in another, and then seek out the specific
contacts between them to punctuate the commonsense assessment we are making
about relationship potential.
For example: Man A has the Sun in Virgo and the Moon in Taurus. The Sun's
position is modified by a strong conjunction with Neptune. The SunMoon blend
suggests an emotional tie-in with materialism, with acquisition to define
identity. The Neptune dimension adds vision and/or illusory dimensions; i.e., is
it real, is it reliable?
Man B has the Sun in Aquarius and the Moon in Capricorn. The Sun's position
is modified by very powerful squares from Mars, Saturn, and Uranus in Taurus.
The Sun-Moon blend suggests people-orientated energy focused administratively
through the sense of bureaucratic expediency. These are the positions of a
public leader, the rugged individualistic campaigner who sways the crowd and
makes things happen. This is a tough, hard-driving image.
When we note that Man A has his Taurus Moon right in the middle of everything
in Man B's tension network, his Saturn and Uranus conjunct Man A's Moon, you can
feel the tension extremely clearly.
Man A is Yassir Arafat (August 27, 1929) and Man B is Ehud Barak (February
12, 1942), prime minister of Israel during the outbreak of civil war in Israel
1999-2001. Additionally, Arafat's Moon, as the focal horoscope for the
Palestinian Liberation Front, is exactly conjunct the national Sun of Israel
(suggesting two halves of a once-unified land).
There is primal tension here. It is undeniable. It is probably insoluble.
When Mars, Uranus, or Pluto in one horoscope relates to the Sun, Moon, Mercury,
Venus, or Mars of a second horoscope, the synastric process relating the need
profile of two individuals becomes extremely important. There will be an attack,
an enflaming, or a power-competitive aggravation placed on a need-focus in the
other person. The relationship easily bristles at the affront.
But we must keep in mind that, if the Mars is weakened somehow in the one
person, it will be less aggravating, clearly. Pope John Paul II has Mars in
Libra, retrograde (!), and Peregrine (! !); his Mars will not be aggravating if
it squares, conjoins, or opposes the other person's Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus,
or Mars. It could be just the opposite, with the other person's Mars (or Uranus
or Pluto) aggravating Pope John Paul's system! And the point is made: the
weakened Mars exposes a vulnerability. In the quest for intimacy,
acknowledgement and management of this vulnerability with secure poise is
vitally important.
When Saturn in one person's horoscope relates to the inner planets of another
person's horoscope, there is the sense of control, delay, or depression
[Arafat's relationship with Barak].
When the aspecting planet is Neptune, there is the potential of sharing
imagination, deluding, deceiving, or inspiring; there is no way to be sure;
reality will tell. When Pluto is
involved, there is usually a very strong competition for power in terms of the
planet receiving the Plutonic onslaught -- or there is empowerment offered in
assistance. If the person receiving the Pluto aspect recognizes the need for
support and empowerment in terms of his/her Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, or Mars,
the person sending the aspect may be well received indeed.
Needs We Do Not Understand: The Nodes
People in intimate, harmonious, productive relationships often feel that
their relationship was "made in heaven," that "they were destined
for each other." That's what clients are looking for when they ask
astrologers about meeting their soul mate. Here in our discussion, we should ask
if there is a special dimension within our astrology that can embellish
horoscopic need-profiles with this soul mate dimension?
The sense of "soul mate" implies strongly that two people have been
together before. This introduces the thought of previous lives. Where else, how
else could one soul have "mated" with another, find and recognize
another now? Within the reference to soul mates, there is the sense that souls
are hunting for each other, to complete something somehow.
I have long observed a fascinating synastric tie: whenever there is a tight
relationship, usually conjunction/opposition or square between one person's
Lunar Nodal Axis and another person's planet, Ascendant, or Midheaven, there is
a dimension to the relationship tie that goes very, very deep. The relationship
can even be strange, developing itself into hard-to-understand directions. The
relationship can drain someone's resources, even possess someone, tying two
people together, come hell or high water! The relationship can be inspiring.
Astrologer Jeffrey Green, innovator of Evolutionary Astrology, approaches the
same finding. He writes, "When Pluto or another planet is squaring the
Nodal Axis of another person, an evolutionary and karmic condition exists
where in those two people have had prior life connections in which
something has occurred that has caused a separation to occur between them. Thus,
the relationship has been interrupted -- it has not come to completion. The
intention in this life is to repeat those conditions or situations in this life
in order for the relationship to move forwards -- to evolve and resolve."
Fascinating ideas.
I have noted that when the Sun or Moon is involved with another person's
Nodal Axis, there seems to be a core recognition, a sense of belonging to one
another, if you will. Even under the worst of circumstances, the relationship
bond is hard to break. When Mercury is involved, the relationship bond is
powerfully focused in the mind, in the thinking process, in communication.
With Venus, romanticism; with Mars, aggression or defensiveness, and strong
sexuality; with Jupiter, enthusiasm, understanding, learning; with Saturn,
control, manipulation; with Uranus, intense, electrifying magnetism; with
Neptune, deception, mistrust, or we see fantasy and aesthetics shared; with
Pluto, there is empowerment and climactic resolve. The Midheaven involvement
links one person to the other often in terms of career, or a sense of personal
destiny; with the Ascendant, the focus is how one is presented to the world,
one's image possibly being more important than one's real substance.
This
article is excerpted from:
 Astrology of Intimacy, Sexuality & Relationship: Insights to Wholeness
by Noel Tyl.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Llewellyn
Publications. ©2002. www.llewellyn.com
Info/Order
this book.
About the Author
Noel
Tyl is one of the foremost astrologers in the world, the author of 29 textbooks
that have been teaching astrologers for two generations. His lecture tours cover
18 countries and he maintains a worldwide client list of individuals and
corporations. Tyl conducts his celebrated Masters Degree Certification
Correspondence Course from his office in the Phoenix, Arizona, area. Visit his
website at www.noeltyl.com
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