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There's a "catch" in the "self-improvement" or "personal growth" field. We go around seeking to "improve" ourselves and our lives, never quite happy with the way we are or the way our life is. And of course, we always find something to improve. That's the first catch... If you look for something long enough, you're bound to find it. So of course we find things to improve: We're not the right weight or size, we're not patient enough, not loving enough, not rich enough, not healthy enough, not spiritual enough, not something enough... You get the picture!

While we're busy "working on ourselves" we may forget the other aspect of personal development, which is to love and accept ourselves (and others) the way we are. Now these two goals might seem incongruous. After all, how can we love who we are, if we're constantly busy trying to change who we are? That's the greatest of the catch-22s.

Editor's Note: A catch-22 is an irresolvable situation. In other words, you take action A which takes you to action B which takes you back to action A which takes you back to action B, etc.. You keep going in a circle and there is no way out.

Perhaps the one we are trying to change is not the same one we need to accept. The difference lies in the outer self and the inner self. The outer self is temporary -- it is in a constant state of flux. Today I am feeling anger, tomorrow I feel peace. Today I am overweight, the next month I am more in shape. Today, I don't feel well, tomorrow I feel great!

All these things are external to who we are "inside". They are our clothing, or the "front" or "facade" that other people see. That external reality can and does change. Our moods, our weight, our income -- they all fluctuate.

However, who we are "inside" is eternal, constant, always present, even though we sometimes forget. We are a divine spark of life. Whatever your religious beliefs are, you are an incredible miracle. Your consciousness resides inside an incredible self-maintaining, self-healing "machine". Your body functions autonomously without "your" instructions. Just think how quickly we'd get exhausted if we had to keep reminding our heart to pump, our lungs to inhale, our ears to listen, our leg muscles to do what they do so we can walk, etc.

That happens on its own -- it not "who we are". We are something else. So many people have tried to define what or who that is... and I will not attempt to set down a "final definition" here, only to say, that we are more than the body. We are more than bodily organs working at maintaining the life of the body -- we are more than an exquisite machine.

So, while we may spend a lot of our time improving our physical body, that can be compared to the time you spend washing your clothes -- it is something that is done, but not "to you". It is essential to feed, nourish, and take care of our physical vehicle, but it is not "who we are".

So who is this being that we are trying to improve? Yes, some of us are trying to improve our body... Yet, perhaps we are looking at it from a warped perspective. Our body is perfect the way it is. How would you improve that incredible mechanism? The things we are seeking to improve are "deteriorations" that have occurred through the years. They are things we have "inflicted" on our machine -- either through our eating habits, drug habits, lifestyle habits, etc.  We are not seeking to improve the body, only to return it to its original form.

And then what about our emotional and mental aspects? When we "work on" getting rid of anger, fear, self-pity, low self-esteem, aren't we simply working at getting rid of the programming that we have accumulated through the years? Perhaps it is not really "us" we are trying to improve, but our programming, our habits, our beliefs... those things we have accumulated throughout our life (and possibly prior ones and genetic memories, as well).

Perhaps we "came in" fine, and are just seeking to return to who we are... without the fears we have adopted, the negative programming we have absorbed, the self-loathing we have adopted. There's a T-shirt slogan that I love -- it says "Born OK the first time!" While the T-shirt may be addressing another aspect of "changing ourselves", I think it makes a good point.

We were born OK. We were simply corrupted (and I don't mean this in the religious or moral sense) by the teachings of our parents, teachers, books, TV shows, self-doubt, etc. We accepted (especially for those of us raised in the Christian religions) that we were born "bad" or in sin. Wow! What a way to start! So we're damned before we start! We haven't done a thing, and already we're "bad".

I would say the concept of being born "not good enough" is harmful and has contributed to much of the anger (self-anger and outwardly directed anger) that is rampant in our society. We are told from the moment of birth that we are "bad"... So how can we love ourselves, when everyone we look up to tells us we are "not good enough"? Our parents, our religion, our teachers, our peers, our advertising media, etc. etc. all repeat the same thing... we need to do this, or buy this, or say this, or wear this, or go to this church, or whatever to become "ok".

Again, the key is to realize that the part that is being criticized as "not good enough" is not us. We were "born OK the first time"! What we need to improve (or possibly get rid of completely) is the programming -- all the voices in our past that took us away from the "inner radiance".

We don't need to change who we are. We simply need to clear away the rubbish so we can rediscover who we are -- a wonderful loving being who seeks to love and be loved. The problem lies in what we have believed we needed to do to "love and be loved". Some of us believe that we won't be loved if we "are ourselves". We have accepted that to be loved we need to be "other than" who we are. Perhaps become a doctor, not an artist. Perhaps wear certain clothes, or belong to a certain organization, or live in a certain neighborhood. or behave in a certain way.

All these things are not "who we are". They are simply "appendages" to our being. They are like the accessories we buy for our car. So, we can either keep the accessories or get rid of them, but the car remains what it is -- an incredible machine. So it is with us. We can get rid of our habits, our excess weight, or we can hang on to them -- yet we remain who we are. None of the behavioral changes change who we are. They only change our appearance, our "functioning". We still remain an incredible being -- one who is love, one who seeks love, and one who will only find love when we find it within and recognize who we truly are, with our without the "improvements".

The road of life is under construction -- and it will always be, yet it remains a road nevertheless. So it is with us. We are a work of art "in progress" but we are a work of art regardless. No improvements, no changes, no melodrama can change that. We are a work of art. We are a wonderful being. We are. We are. We are.

Recommended book: 

"Journey to the Heart:
Daily Meditations on the Path to Freeing Your Soul"
by Melody Beattie
Info/Order book

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

More articles by Marie T. Russell

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