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I remember the time I counseled my first family. I had counseled individuals and couples before, and I thought I had learned a thing or two. I was feeling pretty confident. How much harder could it be to counsel a family than to counsel a fighting couple, a mute teenager, or a depressed adult?

Plenty.

par1 In walked five people: mom, dad, and their three children. The youngest was a boy of six with the energy of a power station. Then came a boy of nine whose primary goal in life looked to be finding reasons to whack his brother. Then came the sister, all fifteen years of her, as ironic and distant as a human being could be. Last came mom and dad, who appeared to hate each other, if hate wasn't too mild a word.

They clearly didn't want to be there. Did I?

In my training as a psychotherapist, I was taught things, but nothing had prepared me for this. The session went as one might have expected it to go -- scores of charges leveled, mom and dad venting, the kids cringing or making themselves absent, feelings getting hurt on all sides, and me wishing I were on a desert island, far away from people.

At the end of yet another assault -- maybe mom had leveled a charge at dad, or vice versa, I cannot remember which -- I finally blurted: "What is needed here is a little more generosity of spirit!"

This little outburst had the strangest effect. The family fell silent and everybody visibly softened. I perked up. Well! It looked like talking about things like love, kindness, and generosity, and not "problems", might be the route to family change. Here was something to think about!

Family communication is possible

For the past fifteen years I have counseled individuals, couples, and families. I now know that what I intuited in that first family session is the absolute truth. Family communication is possible, but love must be the lubricant. Until a person becomes a more feeling creature -- which means feeling pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment sometimes, but also love, kindness, friendship, and generosity -- a brick wall blocks genuine communication. So here is a bonus tip: feel. If you open up your heart, pain may spill out -- but so will love. It is then that communicating will begin.

It would be great if people were effective, willing communicators. But most people aren't. The ability to communicate takes learning, practice, courage, patience, and a lot more. We have to be able to tolerate frustration, lower our defenses, recognize what we want to say, and then deliver our message in a clear, kind way. How many of us can do that well? Not very many. The problems that families have in communicating are exactly the same problems that people have in communicating, whether they are at work or at home, in Tokyo or in Topeka, and whether they're twelve, thirty-five, or sixty.

There are no magic bullets that will turn an uncommunicative, oppositional, difficult, tense, or hostile family environment into a paradise of effective communication and good will. What there is to work with is the love that already exists, the hope in each family member's heart for something better, and the innate power of individual people to try harder, beginning with you. You can't ask your husband or wife, son or daughter, or father or mother to do a better job of communicating if you aren't striving to be an honest, effective listener and speaker. The ball is in your court.

Waiting for someone else in your family to begin communicating won't work. If you wait for your child to speak and say what is on her mind, she will probably continue keeping her fears, frustrations, and problems a secret forever. If you wait for your mate to start the communication ball rolling, you will have another long wait coming. If you keep dreaming about your parents airing their disagreements and coming to some happy resolution, probably that will remain a dream and not become a reality. If you yourself have something on your mind but can't find the right moment to bring it up, ask yourself when the right moment will be.

Everybody in your family has a duty to communicate. Still, somebody has to start. Accept the challenge. Become your family's first communication wizard. 

First Rule of Love is to Listen

Often we don't want to hear what another person is saying because if we really listened, we would be obliged to take that person's feelings and needs seriously. But if you love the members of your family, you do want to take their feelings and needs seriously, and this means that you have an absolute duty to listen.

Loving listening goes far beyond accurately hearing another person's words, although that's the starting point. Because people feel vulnerable, they often say things in guarded or indirect ways. Or they say so many things in a single sentence that it's hard to identify the main point. Or they don't know what they have in mind -- they say that their room is too hot, but they're really worried about failing algebra. It often takes a concerted effort to identify a person's real message. Loving listening is an important skill, and it takes time and practice to master.

Here is how to master loving listening:

1. Pay undivided attention when someone is speaking to you.

2. Be more interested in what is being said than in figuring out how to reply or fix the problem.

3. Wonder to yourself what is really going on. Use your powers of intuition and your lifetime of experience to understand what your child, mate, or sibling is getting at. Plus, you can ask questions!

4. Take the time to listen, to consider what's being said, to gain clarity, and to frame direct but loving responses. Communication takes time -- and deserves the time it takes.

You will be amazed by how much more love there is in your family if you and other family members just listen.

This article is excerpted from:

20 Communication Tips for Families, © 2000,
by Eric Maisel.

Reprinted with permission of the publisher, New World Library, Novato, CA 98989. www.newworldlibrary.com.

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About the Author

Eric Maisel, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist, national certified counselor, and faculty member of St. Mary's College (Moraga, California). In addition to his counseling work with individuals, couples, and families, Dr. Maisel is a nationally known creativity consultant whose books include: Fearless Creating, A Life in the Arts, Deep Writing, Affirmations for Artists, Fearless Presenting, Living the Writer's Life, Sleep Thinking, and The Creativity Book. Dr. Maisel is available to speak about family communication problems and solutions. He would love to hear from readers at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . Visit his website: http://www.ericmaisel.com.

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