Many years ago when I practiced as a lawyer, I spent a large portion of time advising divorce petitioners. And, as I did so, I applied my psychological and astrological training to research the reasons why each marriage had gone off the rails. I found there were a number of recurring themes -- types of conduct which are virtually guaranteed to drive the spouse to drink, desperation, and divorce. Sadly, the perpetrators were often consciously unaware of how relentlessly they were driving nails into the coffin of love each time they acted as they did. Sadder still, their behavior invariably sparked off retaliatory action in their partners, ranging from sarcasm to sexual impotence, from workaholism to chronic depression.
Indeed, it is an illuminating and alarming experience to read affidavits by divorcing partners as to what went on in their failed marriages. Self-delusion, deception, repressed anger, self-justification, and fantasies often underlie every phrase in such documents, indicating how sparse was the knowledge each party had gained of the other in years upon years of marriage. Sometimes the two accounts were so wildly disparate, you kept looking at the title of the documents to ensure you really were reading about the lives of the same couple.
Yet, in every case, I found that by merely checking their astrological patterns on the day of birth, anyone trained in astro-analysis could pinpoint where the seeds of marital discord were most likely to sprout. If the participants in a broken or breaking marriage had been alerted to these before they went to the altar, they may have decided to forget the whole thing, or have been more prepared to tolerate each other's shortcomings.
There is no doubt that some individuals are not psychologically equipped to meet the demands of permanent union. But they are the exception, not the rule. Most of us can handle relationships and make them work better, if we try.
So let's consider the worst in a long list of marriage-wrecking attitudes for the purpose of watching for them in our own behavior as well as our partner's. As you'll observe, all are highly negative and hence extremely destructive to both partners at a deeply subconscious level. That's why it is important to think about each one carefully, without saying to yourself, 'Oh, I don't do that sort of thing!'
As Freud and many other of the great psychoanalysts pointed out, the conscious mind sets up blocks which allow us to rationalize or justify undesirable behavior, at the same time repressing awareness of its underlying motivation. The truth will out, however. I well remember two separate male clients who wrote to me about their problems. Both used the same sentence, 'At present, I'm having serious martial troubles!' No, that was not a spelling error. The conscious mind clearly intended to say 'marital troubles' but the subconscious mind slyly slipped in the truth. This is what is psychologically termed a 'Freudian slip'. Both men were subconsciously viewing their marriages as a battlefield. And, their charts showed that's exactly what the relationship was.
As you'll note with the following list of marriage-wrecking attitudes, I've described them in lighter vein to make for easier reading, but that definitely does not mean they should be taken lightly. Some individuals show traces of several such attitudes. Few of us are saintly enough, especially if we're brutally honest with ourselves, to claim we've never exhibited one or other of them.
1. The Bedside Reformer Attitude
This one turns marriage into a life sentence in a corrective institution. A list of all the partner's sins requiring reform is kept handy on what amounts to a mental 'bedside table'.
Spoken statements go like this: 'I'm doing everything l can to help you make the most of yourself!'
Unspoken statements go like this: 'You're a walking disaster area! I'll show the world what a sterling character I am by teaching you the error of your ways.'
Result: Break-up at worst; smoldering resentment at best. The time for training human personality ended in childhood, so the would-be reformer is light-years too late. And who gave Partner A the divine right to decide what's wrong with Partner B anyway?
Astro-clues: Any chart indicator stressing over-disciplinary, authoritative behavior; equally those implying subconscious desire to punish whoever does not conform to high but narrow standards. A harsh Saturn also often has a hand in the 'Bedside Reformer' attitude, as do signs stimulating oppressive, dominating traits.
2. The Altar Urger Attitude
This one thinks of wedding bells at the blink of an interested eye. The march to the altar turns into a sprint.
Spoken Statements go like this: 'It was love at first sight, wasn't it? Let's get married tomorrow!'
Unspoken Statements go like this: 'If I don't get a ring on to this one fast, I might be left in the lurch again!'
Result: Rude awakening here. Each partner is marrying a total stranger whose party manners haven't had time to slip. When continued intimacy breaks through them, the true personality beneath may be horrendously incompatible. Whirlwind marriages based on brief acquaintances allow no cooling-off period between the thought of the marriage contract and its signature.
Astro-Clues: Any chart indicator promoting reckless or ill-considered behavior; equally those implying subconscious fear of rejection. A hot blooded Mars or mad-headed Uranus also often trigger the 'Altar Urger' attitude, as do signs stimulating lack of forethought and impetuosity.
3. The Meal Ticket Collector Attitude
This one looks at marriage as a business investment, toting up financial assets and liabilities with the detail of a computerized accountant.
Spoken statements go like this: 'I always say anyone who thinks two can live as cheaply as one is just plain silly!'
Unspoken statements go like this: 'You look like a going concern. Somebody's got to support me because I can't (or won't) do it myself!'
Result: A using situation here. Too one-sided, too cold-blooded. Arguments about money quickly rip apart whatever remnants of genuine feeling may exist.
Astro-clues: Any chart indicator which suggests emotional security is equated with financial security; equally those which infer continuing sense of personal inadequacy. A fearful Saturn or an irresponsible Neptune also often underlie the 'Meal Ticket Collector' attitude, as do signs stressing laziness or lack of drive.
4. The One-Upmanship Attitude
This one is into keeping up with the proverbial Joneses. Other people's households are viewed as competing images of success.
Spoken statements go like this: 'It's only natural to want the best for your family!'
Unspoken statements go like this: 'l measure personal worth in money. If you can't give me more than our neighbors have, you're not worth a cracker!'
Result: A pressure-building situation here. Overstress on material gain, with love tied to the wallet. Placating the demand for constant spending only brings further demand. Partner on receiving end of this barrage will have to go broke or get out.
Astro-clues: Any chart indicator stressing misdirected competitive drives or plain, old-fashioned avarice; equally those which infer obsessive urge to acquire and show off. A competitive Mars, an improvident Jupiter, or a compulsive Pluto also often stir up the 'One-Upmanship' attitude as do signs generating over-expansiveness and vanity.
5. The Finders-Keepers Attitude
This one works on the principle that once a partner is found, he or she'll be kept for ever, no matter what is served up to them. Sloppy habits, plain bad manners, ill temper are expected to be taken as part of the deal.
Spoken statements go like this: 'If you can't be yourself in your own home, where can you?'
Unspoken statements go like this 'Now that I've got you where I want you, to hell with frills. You're not worth taking any trouble for anyway!'
Result: Double damage here. Both partners end up as 'Losers-weepers'. The don't-care partner creates a retaliatory don't-care response in the other. Both feel undermined, unappreciated.
Astro-clues: Any chart indicator stressing self-indulgence, lack of discipline, dislike of self. A negative Neptune, an inhibited Mars, or repressive Pluto also engender the 'Finders-Keepers' attitude, as do signs promoting suppressed anger and idleness.
So, what's next?
So there they are in all their glory. Five easy ways to wreck a marriage or ruin a relationship. In each, you'll observe a strong undercurrent of self-deception and self justification... those camouflaging devices the conscious mind employs to make destructive behavior appear proper.
If you spot the beginnings of any of them in your own reactions, make a resolution now to dig them out. If you spot them in a prospective lover, look before you leap into partnership.
ASTROLOGICAL ARTICLE BY THIS AUTHOR:
Indicators of Marital Expectations
This article was excerpted from:
"Picking Your Perfect Partner through Astrology"
by Mary Coleman.
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About The Author
Mary Coleman holds degrees in both psychology and law and her experience in both psychology and astrological counseling covers more than twenty-five years. She is the author of numerous books, including Success Signs and the award-winning How To Astro-Analyse Youself & Others. Her writings have been translated into French, Italian, and Dutch. This article was excerpted from "Picking Your Perfect Partner through Astrology" by Mary Coleman, with permission of the publisher CRCS Publications.-?