Avoiding Manipulation

by Jerry Minchinton

Continued from Part I

THE "BENEFITS" OF MANIPULATION

Since manipulators often seem to get what they want, it appears as though manipulation works for them and against those being manipulated. But in fact, no one involved in manipulative transactions gains any real benefit. Appearances to the contrary, manipulation is a game played only by victims. Whether we manipulate or are manipulated, we lose. And interestingly, no matter which end of the manipulative spectrum we're on, we experience the same negative feelings, although not for the same reasons:

Powerlessness: Manipulators, because they feel powerless, try to create power for themselves by persuading others to do things for them. If we are manipulated we feel powerless, too, because we have allowed the manipulator to dictate our course of action.

Inadequacy: Manipulators believe they lack certain characteristics and skills possessed by most others, so they try to gain access to these qualities by "using" those they believe have them. If we are manipulated we feel inadequate, too, because we think if only we were smarter or quicker, we could have escaped or outwitted the manipulator.

Victimization: Manipulators feel victimized because they believe life has dealt unfairly with them and given them far less than they deserve. Those of us on the receiving end of their manipulation also feel victimized, because we feel we must do as the manipulator asks, even though we don't want to.

Anger and frustration: Manipulators often feel irritated and thwarted because those whom they try to manipulate either fail to do what they ask or do it differently than they wish. Those whom they manipulate experience the same feelings as they resentfully do what the manipulator wants them to do.

As you can see, when manipulation takes place no one wins. If we allow ourselves to be manipulated, we sacrifice our right to self-determination, our self-esteem, our time, money, or energy and, often, our principles. Letting others control us, however briefly, makes us undervalue and compromise ourselves.

If we manipulate others, we are diminished by our maneuvering. We surrender our self-respect, resourcefulness, and self-reliance when we try to use others to achieve our goals. Worse still, if we are successful, we remain childish, emotionally immature, and dependent throughout life.

AVOIDING MANIPULATION

So what are we to do? Unless we have knowingly obligated ourselves, when we're asked to do something that a) we don't want to do, b) isn't our obligation, and c) isn't a genuine need, we can refuse with a clear conscience. We don't have to feel guilty. We don't have to get caught up in elaborate excuses or contrived explanations. When manipulators ask for our help, we just have to say, "No".

This will no doubt shock those who are accustomed to our acquiescence, and it will be difficult for us at first if we are in the habit of giving in to unreasonable people. But saying, "No", is an acquired ability, and we will discover that the more we use it, the more proficient we become.

It's fine to exchange favors with people, of course, and it is commendable to voluntarily help others who are literally unable to help themselves. But when people try to create a feeling of obligation in us or try to persuade us to do something we dislike just to please them, beware: no matter how much they emphasize that doing what they want will benefit us, it's rarely our welfare with which they're concerned.

• My time and energy are as valuable as those of anyone else.

• My "not wanting to" is at least as important as the other person's "wanting me to".

• I definitely do not have to do everything I am asked to do.

• I don't have to provide an excuse for not wanting to do something.

• Only people who want to manipulate me insist that I should.

• If I don't say "No", my silence can be taken as a "Yes".

• Cooperation is a good alternative to manipulation.

• It is easier to avoid being manipulated if I am not a manipulator myself.

• My wants, needs, and happiness are as important as anyone's.

• I have the right to say "No" to doing things I dislike or find objectionable or inconvenient.

• I am not stubborn or mean just because I don't want to do what others ask.

• Do I often feel I've been taken advantage of?

• Do I attempt to manipulate others? If I do, what are my reasons?

• Do I think I would be able to avoid a lot of unpleasant tasks if I were smarter?

• Can people usually talk me into doing things I don't want to do? If they can, why do I let them?

• If I allow people to manipulate me, what manipulative approach seems to work best with me? What can I do to change this?

• Do I feel guilty when I don't do what people ask of me?

• Do I frequently feel uncomfortable, resentful, and angry? Do I feel that way more around some people than around others?

When people attempt to manipulate you, tell them exactly how you feel about the matter in a positive, but firm manner. To prepare yourself for doing this, practice saying the phrases "No, thanks", "Thanks, I'd rather not", "Sorry, but I've made other plans", "No, I don't want to", "Because I don't want to", and "I don't have to give you a reason", until you can say them with sincerity and conviction. Your skill will improve quickly with experience.
 

About The Author

Jerry Minchinton has read extensively about self-esteem, motivation, and Eastern philosophies and religions. He combines the insight he's gained from these studies with practical business experience to shed light on some age-old problems of human behavior. He is the author of Maximum Self-Esteem: The Handbook For Reclaiming Your Sense of Self-Worth, and 52 Things You Can Do To Raise Your Self-Esteem. He can be reached at arnford@townsqr.com.

Printer Friendly Page