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Cure Yourself of Oughtismby Swami Beyondananda
Being an idealist in those days, I went to my high school counselor and told her I was looking for a career where I could fight the decay I saw around me, where I could make an impression on people, fill the empty spaces in their lives, and build bridges. "I've got the perfect career for you," she said. "Become a dentist." The next summer I took a job assisting a dentist. My job was to prepare the novocaine needles. One day, as an experiment, I decided to leave the novocaine out to see if the placebo effect worked. It didn't. You could hear the screams across the state of Oklahoma. I left dentistry that day, but I had learned a valuable spiritual technique: Transcend Dental Medication. Over the next several years, I went from counselor to counselor trying to find out what I was supposed to do. "Get into communications", one said. So I got a job working for the phone company, telling the time. I got fired from that job one day when they caught me not watching the clock. "You should get a government job", said another counselor, so I got a job as a census taker. I quit that job because I hated those embarrassing personal questions you had to ask people like, "List all members of your family broken down by sex." On the advice of a friend, I got a job as a vacuum cleaner salesman, but it was around that time I met my guru, Harry Cohen Baba, and he told me to give up all my attachments -- so I had to quit that job as well. There I was: no job, no direction, not even enough money to call the phone company to tell them I couldn't pay my bill. I threw myself at my guru's feet (I was a pretty good tackle in high school) and said, "Oh, Garment Centered One, tell me what I should do!" "Listen here, boychick", he replied, getting up and dusting himself off, "You are letting everyone else make your decisions for you. Don't just follow someone else's oughtas. What you should do is stand on your own two feet and think for yourself." So I did exactly as he said. I stood on that street corner for days, thinking. I won't go into all the trouble I had with the dogs and pigeons, but some garment workers mistook me for a mannequin and I came home with a lovely suit. Anyway, after many days of not eating, I felt a mysterious, unearthly presence close by. There, in front of me, I saw the vision of one of my earliest spiritual teachers, Andy Devine. Yes, it is true. I had spent my formative years chanting his mantra, "Yer durn tootin," and whenever I had a problem, I would meditate on his picture on my cereal box, hoping for some Devine Guidance. "Say there, young feller," he rasped, "Looks like yer in a heap o' trouble. How can I help yuh?" "Oh, Devine One," I answered, "My guru instructed me to stand on my own two feet and think for myself, and I've been standing here and thinking for the past week and a half. I actually think he's forgotten about me, and I don't know what to do next. I know you can help me!" "Wal' son, sorta reminds me of a movie I was in many years back called Shoot Out at the I'm-Okay You're-Okay Corral. It was about two o' these gu-ru fellers fightin' over which one would be the only Universal Law west of the Pecos. They were a-fussin' and a-feudin' for days, with groups of cowboys camped in front of each of their hashrams shoutin' the praises of their particular gu-ru. Now yuh see, I played the part of the cook and I was welcome in both camps, 'cuz I was the only one who could make biscuits and gravy macrobiotic style. Wal' anyhow, one day their carryin' on got me so gol-durn flustered that I burned the dang gomazio. That did it! I got up on the hill between camps and I sez, 'Now lissen up, you fellers, you're a-fightin' over somethin' downright foolish. Ain't no gu-ru knows anymore than you do. Shucks, even the word gu-ru can tell yuh that. Just spell it out: G-U-R-U. (Gee, you are you!) Now stop all yer fussin' and I'll fix you all a heapin' pot o' miso stew!" And in a flash, my Devine vision was gone, and the realization hit me -- there was no need to wait for others to tell me what to do, I was my own guru! All the answers I sought were within me! (Although it would be several years before I figured out what the corresponding questions were.) So join me, won't you? Let's stop this epidemic of Oughtism before our whole society comes under the spell of oughtosuggestion. You really ought to. Take
this Test and find out:
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About the Author Hear the Swami’s wisdom with your own ears -- just click onto www.beyondananda.com. To find out more about Swami’s products and appearances on the "outernet", call 1-800-SWAMI-BE. Swami’s Love and Laughter Special. Says the Swami: "Many people have found themselves challenged by the recent economic downturn, and some have even had 'near-debt experiences.’" Well, to paraphrase those 60s icons, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Laughter will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no laughter." To help you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake, the Swami has put together a special package including his hilarious book on healing laughter, Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette, Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter, and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping. Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit www.wakeuplaughing.com |
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1985-2012 - InnerSelf Publications Emerald, Cape Breton, Nova Scotia |
When
I was young, I didn't know what I wanted to be. Oh, I
had the usual childhood aspirations -- I wanted to be a
nurse or an Indian princess or a housewife -- that was
before I found out I was a boy! When I found that out, I
decided I wanted to be a cowboy. All my friends wanted
to be cowboys, and my parents thought I should become a
cowboy. So one summer I took a job as a cowpuncher. Now
to be perfectly accurate, I never had to actually punch
a cow, although a few times I did have to jab one with
my finger. So technically, I was just a cowpoke -- but I
didn't like it very much. Cows are boring. They're
pretty much into their own thing (and if you aren't
careful where you step, you are, too).
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