Karma Problems?

by Swami Beyondananda

Troubled by karma problems? Do you have a hard time starting your karma in the morning? Difficulty shifting? Are you concerned that your karma might be a lemon? Let the Swami have a look under your hood.

What exactly makes a karma go? Doesn’t it have something to do with internal combustion?

Well yes, the karmas we grew up with seem to get driven by lots of friction and internal combustion. But this can be quite stressful, not to mention wear and tear on parts. In this new millennium, you can expect to see lots of clean-burning karmas running on esteem.

So esteem is karma fuel?

Not exactly. Any material in life that we laugh at can be used to fuel our karma. When we add a spark of joy to any painful material in life, this causes an explosion of mirth – and this bubbling of laughter causes esteem to rise. So turning material into esteem is what empowers our karma.

What kind of karma should I drive?

It doesn’t really matter what karma you drive as long as it puts you on the expressway – and any way you express joy in the world is your expressway. I suggest looking at the karma you’re already driving: Is your karma a big karma or a little one? A gas-guzzler or one of those fuel-efficient, high-economy karmas? Are you a sporty model or a cheap pick-up? An elegant Continental or a beat-up Bug? Maybe your karma is an old Dodge. If you’re trading in your old karma for the millennium, I have to go along with Karma and Driver magazine and recommend the Evolvo.

What about karma insurance?

Oh, that is a very good idea, and not just because I recently became a sales rep for All States. It can happen to anyone. Your karma is just about paid off and wham – you run smack into someone’s dogma, and your karma is totaled. That’s what happened to Joan of Arc. Salmon Rushdie, on the other hand, was protected by All States Karma Insurance, and is impervious to vicious dogmas! And with All States, you’re protected not just in physical reality but in all states of being. Why just last week, I was traveling out of my body and I locked my keys inside. All States was there and got me back in my body before my battery ran out! And if you fall behind in paying your exorcist, All States will step in BEFORE you get repossessed. Even if you owe the Eternal Revenue Service thousands of years in back karma, All States will insure you. Just tell them the Swami sent you, and they’ll give you the Super Savior rate – and a Get Out of Hell Free card at no extra cost! Just put it on your Ascended Mastercard and make no payments until your next lifetime. All States Karma Insurance ... don’t leave Om without it.

Any tips for cleaning my karma?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you may be suffering from psychic b.o. (bodhi odor, we call it), because let’s face it, we smelled in past lives. Some of us really stunk, and that stink is really going to stick. So I strongly recommend bringing your karma to one of those soft-cloth karma washes for a hose down, especially the underside. The underside of your karma picks up some pretty foul stuff in the course of a lifetime!

Can I learn to attune my own karma?

As someone who’s been working on karmas for years, I will tell you that fixing your karma is easier than you think. Sure, you might have to see Mr. Godwrench for your 20,000 year check-up, but most problems you can fix yourself using some simple Auto-Suggestion techniques. Say goodbye to invasive mechanical procedures and harmful engine additives! Just use this healing relaxation at the first sign of karma trouble:

• Put your karma into park.
• Turn off your ignition.
• Let your weight sink slowly into your tires.
• Let your shock absorbers release all the
   tensions of the road.
• Let all exhaustion escape from your tailpipe.

Good. Now repeat the following affirmations as you inhale deeply through your intake mannafold.

• My battery is fully charged and
   I am getting plenty of juice.
• My transmission is engaged and
   my karma has shifted into overdrive.
• My front end is aligned with perfection.
• I am One with my Universal Joint.
• I cruise easily with the flow of Traffic
   and get off any time I like.

May your karma run smoothly until it is recalled by its Maker.

Copyright © 1998 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Hear the Swami’s wisdom with your own ears -- just click onto www.beyondananda.com. To find out more about Swami’s products and appearances on the "outernet", call 1-800-SWAMI-BE.

Swami’s Love and Laughter Special.

Says the Swami: "Many people have found themselves challenged by the recent economic downturn, and some have even had 'near-debt experiences.’" Well, to paraphrase those 60s icons, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Laughter will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no laughter." To help you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake, the Swami has put together a special package including his hilarious book on healing laughter, Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette, Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter, and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping. Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit www.wakeuplaughing.com

If you enjoyed this column, you'll love 
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