Ask the Swami

by Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

I thought I read something in the Natural Enquirer that you've had some kind of religious conversion experience, and become a fundamentalist preacher. Is this just an idle rumor, or is it true?

Kirby R. Dahg
Fondue Lake, Wisconsin

Dear Kirby:

Well, I guess if the rumor is circulating, it can't be idle, can it? Actually, like most of that stuff the tabloids print, it is only partly true and they have put the em-PHA-sis on the wrong syl-LA-ble. Yes, I did have a religious experience. I was struck by lightning during a brainstorm, and during this electrifying moment I got a glimpse of the true meaning of life. I had a vision of God watching a huge big screen TV -- and we were the Comedy Channel. I realized that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled, a laugh track has been provided, and the reason we are in the material world is to get more material. In other words, even if you are living a routine existence, you can at least turn it into a great routine. So profound was this vision that I decided to dedicate my life to preaching FUNdamentalism -- accent on "fun."

And as a FUNdamentalist, I know that if we can raise the vibration on the planet through the resonance of laughter, we can bring about Nonjudgment Day -- that is when everyone wins beauty contests. On Nonjudgment Day all the lawyers will disappear, and truly all our trials will be over. And on Nonjudgment Day, everyone will lay down their arms. This will be called Disarmaggedon, and it will be the end of the human race as we know it. We will realize that life isn't a race, so we can stop running. As my own guru, Harry Cohen Baba used to say, "Life is a sitcom. So sit calm and enjoy it."

So until that day of Nonjudgment arrives, we must do all we can to heal the jestive blockages and dysfunsion we see around us: Laugh uproariously, wholeheartedly and loudly -- ejoculation is a natural bodily function, so we should feel no shame about it. Live life to the foolist. Revel without a cause. Remember, you can transform anger with random acts of comedy. Don't get even -- get odd!

May the FARCE be with you.

*****

Dear Swami:

I notice that people who write in questions to your column often use unusual names. Tell the truth, Swami. Are these legitimate questions?

E.Z. Yancers
Tacoma, Washington

Dear E.Z.:

Absolutely! Every one of the questions I use has a mother and a father who are married to each other. And names are important. Remember the great movie director, Cecil B. DeMille? Well, he had a daughter who in spite of all the privilege always felt average and ordinary. Know what her name was? Ronna DeMille. And then there was the guy who came to me with financial problems so severe that he was at debt's door. His name was Osborne Poe. I told him to change his name, and now he's Richard Denhue.

*****

Dear Swami:

Having studied esoteric physics, I am convinced that there is an exact duplicate of me living in a parallel universe. How do I communicate with him?

Lou Pohl
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Dear Lou:

That's easy. You send him a parallelogram.

*****

Dear Swami:

What do you call it when people make predictions and charge money for them?

Otto Noh
New Braunfels, Texas

Dear Otto:

I don't know about you, but I call it propheteering.

**********

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About the Author

Hear the Swami’s wisdom with your own ears -- just click onto www.beyondananda.com. To find out more about Swami’s products and appearances on the "outernet", call 1-800-SWAMI-BE.

Swami’s Love and Laughter Special.

Says the Swami: "Many people have found themselves challenged by the recent economic downturn, and some have even had 'near-debt experiences.’" Well, to paraphrase those 60s icons, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Laughter will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no laughter." To help you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake, the Swami has put together a special package including his hilarious book on healing laughter, Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette, Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter, and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping. Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit www.wakeuplaughing.com

If you enjoyed this column, you'll love 
"Duck Soup for the Soul: The Way Of Living Louder And Laughing Longer".
To order this book.

Another Swami book: "Driving Your Own Karma; Swami Beyondananda's Tour Guide to Enlightenment".
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