Ask the Swami

by Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

I have heard rumors circulating that for many years you studied and practiced Marxism.  Frankly, I am shocked.  Can this really be true?

Ada Storshin,
Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Ada:

Yes, it is absolutely true and I have nothing to hide.  My beloved guru Harry Cohen Baba introduced me to Marxist theory and practice, and I became conversant with all three branches of Marxism.  From the Groucho school of Marxism, I learned to throw rapid-fire punchlines and hurl barbs that go to the heart of the matter.  From Harpo Marxism, I learned to transmute.  That is where you magically transform tension into laughter without saying a word.  Harry Cohen Baba used to say that the Harpos were the most subversive Marxists of all because since they never say anything, they can never be silenced.  It was Chico Marxism  that I found the most challenging, however.  Chico was a true dialectic materialist and frankly, I could never do my material in his dialect.

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Dear Swami:

I've been thinking about getting a dogma, and I wanted your opinion. Any ideas on the matter?

Ira Gress,
Great Neck, New York

Dear Ira:

Everyone has a pet belief, so why should you be an exception?  Yes, we human beings have had dogmas since the dawn of recorded history.  This is understandable.  You cannot imagine how comforting it is to curl up with a warm, fuzzy dogma on a dark night of the soul.  Or to take him out to the park, and watch him chase other dogmas and bark at strangers.

Some folks keep dogmas for protection.  It's reassuring to have a guard dogma to scare away frightening thoughts -- and it's great to have a loyal companion to fetch you an explanation when you get home from a hard day at the office.  And dogmas come in all varieties.  Some people like big, dumb dogmas, and others prefer squeaky little irritating ones.  And, hey, someone needs to stand up for the underdogma.  Dogma is truly man's best friend.

Now some folks say, why not let sleeping dogmas lie?  But who wants to be lied to?  And what about dogmas that bark so loud we cannot hear the laugh track?  And worse yet, what about menacing dogmas that bite?  Or dogmas that run wild, and get into everyone's garbage?  I know, I know. You are probably saying, "It isn't my dogma making the mess, it's my neighbor's dogma."  And indeed, you can look out any night and see a pack of dogmas running down the street chasing a doubt.  So what do you do when you are driving down the road and a threatening dogma appears in your path?  Stay calm and let the strange dogma know who's boss.  Say, "Bad dogma.  Roll over."

It is a fact of life.  Dogmas have sharp teeth, and when backed against the wall, they can bite.  As a dogma-owner, it is your responsibility to see that your dogma doesn't bite, and if it does -- well, sometimes a vicious dogma has to be put down.  Another fact of life is that dogmas get sick and old. Perhaps you've spent years taking care of a tired old dogma, and it's time to put that old dogma to sleep. It is sad when you must give up a loyal dogma like that so I say, enjoy your dogma while it is alive and playful.  

My FUNdamentalist dogma that I have enjoyed for many years, is a great source of laughter and play. And you know how uncanny it is the way dogma owners come to resemble their dogma.  So you can have a dogma, it's fine.  But just make sure your dogma doesn't mess on your neighbor's lawn.  And know that on Nonjudgment Day, all our dogmas will run free, and I guarantee they will bother no one.

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Dear Swami:

Here's something I find terribly frustrating.  Like many people my age, I am fighting what they euphemistically call "middle age spread".  So I got myself one of those videos with abdominal exercises.  Swami, I've been practicing these for months and my girth hasn't shrunk much.  I feel if I don't get ahead of things now, I'm going to lose the battle of the bulge.  What do you think?

Phil Doutt,
San Rafael, California

Dear Phil:

Ah, yes.  The abdomino theory -- one paunch, and the battle is over. Well, I have some encouraging news for you.  Those ab videos are designed to get you to think your abs are abnormal.  Actually, judging from what I've been seeing lately your "abnormal" abs are more normal than the abs normally portrayed as normal.  In other words, ab normality is an abnormality.  But if you are still committed to girth control, I just read about a new personal trainer service that will definitely help.  Three times a week, they send someone over to your home to stand over you with a whip while you exercise.  It's called the Abdominator.

Read also: "Who Is Swami Beyondananda"
and
more articles from the Swami

About the Author

Hear the Swami’s wisdom with your own ears -- just click onto www.beyondananda.com. To find out more about Swami’s products and appearances on the "outernet", call 1-800-SWAMI-BE.

Swami’s Love and Laughter Special.

Says the Swami: "Many people have found themselves challenged by the recent economic downturn, and some have even had 'near-debt experiences.’" Well, to paraphrase those 60s icons, the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, "Laughter will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no laughter." To help you wake up laughing ... and leave laughter in your wake, the Swami has put together a special package including his hilarious book on healing laughter, Duck Soup for the Soul, his latest audio cassette, Beyondananda and Beyond: Two Takes on Healing Laughter, and his latest music and comedy CD, Drive Your Karma, Curb Your Dogma, a $38 value for just $29.77 + 4.23 shipping. Not only that, but act right now and receive online Swami's Joke-A-Week (Zen Cohens from Harry Cohen Baba) for ten weeks. To order, call Swami's hot line 1-800-SWAMI-BE or visit www.wakeuplaughing.com

If you enjoyed this column, you'll love 
"Duck Soup for the Soul: The Way Of Living Louder And Laughing Longer".
To order this book.

Another Swami book: "Driving Your Own Karma; Swami Beyondananda's Tour Guide to Enlightenment".
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